See Who I Am
by DarkBard0
Summary: Emily searches for definition. Emily/JJ - Femslash warning & mature themes. Don'tlike don't read. Written for International Day Of Femslash.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: See Who I am  
**Author:** darkbardzero  
**Fandom**: Criminal Minds  
**Pairings**: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau  
**Ratings**: NC-17/18  
**Warnings**: Mentions of Penelope. Mature themes and language.  
**Disclaimers**: All things Criminal Minds belong to people other than me. I just write stuff  
**Author's** **Notes**: For the _**International Day Of Femslash**_. This is extremely Emily-centric. It's rather wordy, sorry, I do prattle.

**Thank You: **A major thank you to my beta SofiaLindsay for doing her beta thing and absolutely kicking my ass so this got finished and also for putting up with each and every freak out. Also for a few particular pick up talks. As always she rocks! Also thank you so Leilannil for supporting and also putting up with a few freak outs, and generally being awesome and wonderful!

''Is it true what they say?  
Are we too blind to find a way?  
Fear of the unknown  
Clouds our hearts today.

Come into my world,  
See through my eyes.  
Try to understand,  
Don't want to lose what we have.''

**See Who I Am – Within Temptation**

**Part One**

The earth shattered around her. Right down to the tiniest atom, every molecule that made up this existence, it all shattered with one giant explosion, then rippled with an uncountable measure of aftershocks. Everything disintegrated, and right then and there, Emily Prentiss couldn't have told you what her name was. The only thing she knew, were the explosions that caused her to see fireworks, and the woman that had made them ignite.

Emily had sunk into many different types of oblivions before, for many different reasons. There had been plenty of times in her life that giving into these times of oblivion, relinquishing all that combined together to make her whole, had been the only thing that had kept her going. This instance was no different. In this instance, she gladly let go of everything. Especially the questions that twisted their way through her brain, reaching down through her veins into the far reaches of her very soul. Questions that she desperately sought the answers for but could never quite reach them.

Perhaps plagued was a severely overly dramatic term, but that was what it tended to feel like. Emily had always been an introspective child. She had never had much choice in the matter. Her parents were career politicians; they had expected an adult out of a child. In fact, they had expected a whole lot more from her. Things she could never give, and things she still couldn't give them as an adult. And since her childhood, she had searched endlessly for meanings. For substantial answers about herself, about people and about the world. It was one of the reasons why she had become a profiler. It gave her an excuse to study people, always hoping to find the secret she longed for. Hoping that it would help to define herself. It didn't. It only created more questions.

Who was Emily Prentiss? Was there an Emily Prentiss, or was there just projections of a woman given to people who all wanted and expected something from her? She took on so many roles. Daughter, friend, Agent, lover…were they all Emily Prentiss or where they all just roles to be filled using the same mask? She had been dragged half way around the world and back again, on more than one occasion. So much so that it had been difficult for her to define where her home was. And even as an adult, she had never stayed in one place for too long. Where did she belong? There? Here? Did her home give her any insight on who she was? Had the places she had grown up in, lived in, had any real significance in making the person she was? And how could she figure that out, if she didn't know who she was?

Emily was reasonably sure she was a good person, at any length. She did her best. Her instinctual drive was to protect people, to stop ruthless killers from snatching away innocent lives. But she did that by thinking like them. She had to let that depravity inside of her head, her soul. Did that change her being? Did that make her one of them? Did it make her any better because she had a badge that allowed her to shoot people? Was doing her job for the sake of a greater good an excuse? How much of her was her, and how much of her was them? Those kind of questions scared her. Not being able to find a definitive answer, a line that she could draw between profiler and unsub, scared her. But she continued, because that's what she did. She was a Prentiss.

Of course, these were exactly the thoughts that she wasn't having right now. There was no coherent thought in her head, but a range of feelings all blending in with an all consuming ecstasy. A euphoria that rippled through every single fiber of her being, settling right into her bones. No past oblivion had been as distinctly exquisite as this one. No one and nothing had ever shaken the earth around her to such a degree before. Emily had absolutely no disillusions that it had a significant something to do with the provoker.

Jennifer Jareau had never failed to elicit anything less than an engulfing and devastating bliss. Long ago, she had set her standard at a seemingly impossible height and only gone higher. Emily knew she had encountered no other lover like her. The progression from friends to lovers had occurred a near four months ago, and Emily was still searching for her exact role in the situation. There were no clear definitions of their relationship, because there was no relationship. They were in limbo, hovering somewhere between being only friends and colleagues, to being colleagues and partners. Lovers was such an easy, lazy term. It was a scapegoat. It was the coward's way out. Being lovers stopped her from delving further into it. Stopped her from asking the blonde exactly what this was, and what she was. Who was Emily Prentiss to Jennifer Jareau? Emily had enough of a hardship figuring out who she was to herself; she couldn't answer that question for JJ too.

Whatever this was, whatever they were, they kept it shrouded in secrecy and darkness. No one knew. Even they didn't speak of it much, not outside of the darkness. It had started in a whirlwind of grief, loneliness and alcohol. After a case gone bad. It had been the trigger domino, setting off something into motion that Emily didn't understand but was too scared to question. The cases had piled up, and something had snapped. Seemingly in both of them. They hadn't spoken of it the next morning, after they had woken up to see the destruction they had caused as they had vented every ounce of feeling on the other. They had turned their separate ways. Only for it to happen two days later. And the day after that. And then whenever one of them had needed something from the other for four months after that. When they needed that oblivion. An oblivion accompanied by a human touch, by a rawness and a twisted understanding. Something a person outside of their team could never understand.

The problem for Emily wasn't that she craved JJ, but that she loved her. An acknowledgement she seldom let herself think about. It was too dangerous to think about. You couldn't love someone in these kind of shadows. You couldn't love the one that was giving you the only thing that could keep you going. It was too risky. She needed this. JJ needed this. And voicing her true feeling would take it away from them both. This oblivion, this sometimes almost primal release, sustained her. What JJ did to her, ran through her blood like she had gotten in beneath her skin. It had become like air. JJ being inside of her, tasting her, touching her, it was the most understood she had ever felt. There were no expectations, no questions, no roles to fill in those times when they moved together. It didn't matter who Emily Prentiss was in those times. Not when JJ kissed her, not when she slipped her fingers inside of her or her tongue reached out to taste her. When skin slid across skin and they moved as one, there was nothing else out there apart from that.

Emily could feel JJ everywhere. Her hot, ragged breath, dancing over her shoulder, where the blonde's forehead rested for a moment as to give her the opportunity to collect herself. Sweat sheened skin covered her own, hip to hip, breast to breast, since JJ was on top. Fingers rested inside of her still, now idle, as her own were in her lover. The stillness of the moment was well received. The intimacy of it engulfed them like a tidal wave, giving them no other option other than to be in it, breathe it in and acknowledge it. Physical intimacy, they were good at. Practiced at. That unadulterated rawness, the dark desire and twisted cravings, they were good at. Fucking each other into oblivion and back again, they were good at. This was only one effort out of a countless string since they had barreled into her apartment. A word had barely been spoken, other than demands and mutterings, profuse profanities and perhaps what some would call harsh and cold orders. But then, that's why it took another member of a team like this to understand. To help wipe the images of dead children hung from trees, or gutted women dumped like trash. It took someone else that saw those things to understand the almost violent nature of fucking it away. To understand the harsh words, the bruises or blood drawn every now and then from scratches and biting, the hard pushes and shoves against countless of objects and the unmerciful painful pleasure to fuck.

It begged the question Emily artfully avoided. Did that kind of desire, and that kind of act, add to the similarities she worried about to the unsubs they hunted?

Her smell would linger on her skin now. On her pillows and her bed sheet. The perfume she wore, and something distinctly unique would float through the apartment. Emily wasn't too sure if it soothed her or taunted her. Possibly a combination. Because the woman herself did both too. Jennifer Jareau was possibly the most infuriating woman she had ever been to bed with, but also the most captivating. And hate closely bordered on love. Emily hated the way JJ could walk past her in the office, eyes showing no sign of acknowledgement toward her, but instead showing signs of being completely lost in her own thoughts. She hated the way JJ could flirt with other members of the Agency or local law enforcement officers, never too sure on whether it was in effort to trick them into complying, her polite nature or just that she wanted to. Either way, Emily was absolutely positive JJ knew it drove her crazy. She hated the way JJ would hold her eyes just a moment too long, or touch her when she didn't need to, or lean in a little closer than necessary. She hated the way her shirts fit her snugly, because she had felt and tasted the skin beneath. She hated the way her hair shone brightly, especially in the sun, because she had seen it damp and mussy, had tugged at it and stroked through it. She hated it that JJ was always the one to spot her signs of drowning first, and was always the quickest to reach out and stop it from happening. She hated that JJ was the one that silently understood. But she loved her for it all too. She couldn't stop. Before this had started, before they had taken to skulking in the shadows together, she had fallen. Hard. And she hated JJ for that too, because you couldn't stop yourself from falling in love with her. Everybody did, in some form or another. Which was odd to Emily sometimes, given that JJ was perhaps the most mysterious member of the team. Stringently private, although seemingly the most open. JJ was well practiced in the art of hiding in plain sight. Though, Emily knew the same of herself to be true also.

The woman consuming her body, and her thoughts, slipped away from her now. There was finality that Emily could feel sinking into her bones. Somewhere through the satiated bliss that still swept through her, she could feel the tension ready to slip back in. When all she was left with was the smell of sex and an empty space beside her. The thought of it, or the subconscious thought of it given her inability to really think properly yet, shifted something within her before she even realised it.

''Come to France with me.''

For a moment, nothing happened. For a moment Emily didn't even know she had spoken the words out loud. She was still mesmerized, by the feeling of an overwhelming oblivion and the tingling across her skin that JJ had left behind. Although in her wake, the cool air began to caress her own sweat sheened skin as her chest still heaved for gasps of air. The inability to really move any of her limbs right now, the fact she couldn't breathe and the glazed look in dark, dark eyes she knew positively screamed the 'well and truly just fucked' look. Jennifer never did anything by halves.

''What?''

JJ too, unbashfully sprawled beside her, wearing the same look and drew in the same hurried breaths as she recovered from dizzying heights. Emily guessed that she never did things by halves either. There was something so very beyond fascinating watching JJ's eyes when she came. Emily doubted she had ever seen a look more powerful in her life. A look so addictive and so haunting. She would think about that look, in peculiar moments. In quiet moments. Or when she would sometimes look up as her skin tingled and her hairs stood on end, only to find that JJ would be looking across the room at her with such intensity Emily felt like she would spontaneously combust. Those times, she felt every previous touch from JJ's hands, the feel of her body and the intensity of her mouth. She remembered every hot kiss against her body, every pant and moan, every strangled cry and muttered word. Without question, JJ was the only person who had ever made her want to, and almost, cum with the power of a simple stare.

''France. Come with me.''

For some unknown reason, Emily didn't back down from her offer. Right in this very moment, she felt no fear of asking. When the bliss wore off, when she was left to ponder in her own thoughts and the sweet oblivion had been taken away from her, that was when she would panic. But there was something unsettling inside of her, causing her voice to hark out before her brain could silence it. A distinctly large part of her, the part she had been suppressing, took the opportunity to act. Words once spoken could never be taken back. Could never be silenced. They lingered forever, in some form. They changed people, changed situations and were the substance of history. History however large or small. Emily had certainly been taught that lesson during her youth. It often occurred to her that perhaps, her family situation had fuelled her fascination with language. Perhaps she had been seeking answers about human nature in that too. Since after all, it was words that caused the most relief, or the most damage. Others said it was a pen. Others said it was the preverbal sword. Words had come before those though. And they would be there long after. Words always started the pen into action, and gave permission for the swords to strike. These words would change the personal history between the two of them, she was astutely aware of that.

''Okay.''

After a long, deep pause, Emily was only offered one word in return. Still, it was a word in the affirmative. It was what the rebellious, traitorous side in her had wanted. JJ didn't often give too much away. Emily had also noticed that of her blonde lover. Her words were usually well chosen, well structured and well delivered. And somehow, Emily knew that had occurred before the day she had had to stand up before a fleet of cameras and reporters. After all, she had seen JJ in a lot of different lights than the others had. She had seen her work reporters like they were puppets, perfectly in control and executing her plans. She had seen her take charge of varying situations and people, including law enforcement officials, console victims, families too. And she had seen her on the brink of destruction, and pushed into fury. Outside of that, she had seen her loosen up at friendly drink nights, meals and movies, parties even. But Emily had also seen JJ, felt the effect of her untamed self, raw, wild and primal. She had been there, time after time, when JJ's words had failed her, broken and disappeared under an intensity that Emily was usually inducing. But the thing was, Jennifer Jareau very rarely did, said or agreed to anything she didn't want to. She was confident, she was assertive and she was vocal. Emily believed if she had agreed to go then she must have wanted to. Though, wasn't belief only hope wrapped up and sold differently?

After more long moments floated by, Emily didn't know quite how many, she heard the familiar drawing in of breath from JJ and the movement of her bed. Her eyes screwed up tightly, her mind somehow thinking this would help to stop what she considered to be a mistake. She just couldn't do it, not tonight. She didn't want to be left alone with her thoughts, with her questions. When JJ was close to her, so many of those questions that she could not find answers for were snuffed out. JJ didn't look at her as an Ambassadors daughter. Didn't expect her to live up to some ridiculous Prentiss example. She didn't try to belittle her and question her on every personal and career life decision she made, all the while scrutinizing and patronizing. Making it clear that she was a soar disappointment. JJ didn't look at her like she saw links between her and the latest unsub. Never once looked at her with fear, or wonder. Like the thought had never truly occurred to her at all. She didn't demand a role from her. Didn't expect anything. The only thing she did do was make the boundaries between them smudged and hazy. Which was really, no different to a lot of past lovers in her life. People didn't tend to make those things easy, and Emily knew she had been guilty of it herself in some other peoples' lives.

''Don't. Stay…please.''

She didn't want to be left alone tonight. It was becoming increasingly harder to fend off the questions in her head. Increasingly harder to find somewhere that she fit in. Find some substance, a definition for herself. A name was a name, but did it really tell her who she was? Was it that that mattered? Was it her actions, or was it her accomplishments? Was it the family she had been born from, or the people she associated with? After so many years of studying people, Emily could not believe how lost she felt when trying to study herself. It was an overwhelming feeling, admitting that you had no idea who you were. Despite that there were still some fundamental truths. She was a Prentiss. She was an FBI profiler. She was a linguist. Those she supposed, would have to hold her foundations, gave her substance. Her family name, her blood, whether she liked it or not, still anchored her definition. It had to have done. Being a Prentiss had lead to her vast amount of experiences, the relationships she had with family and friends associated, had lead to her beliefs and attitudes, her morals and principals. Social learning theory was of course that. She had learnt to be from the people around her. One way or another, it had taught her to be a person, being part of her family. She just wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing yet.

Emily felt her heart thump against her chest as she dared a look toward JJ. Of its own accord, her hand had moved to wrap lightly around the blonde's slender wrist. Loosely, but firm enough to physically indicate the need running through her. Still, she couldn't bring herself to hold on tighter, sadly acknowledging that it was very likely that JJ didn't want to stay. Neither of them ever did. One of them always walked out of the door, leaving the other alone after they had taken what they had needed. Tonight, the profiler greatly suspected, would more than likely be no different. Underneath her fingers, JJ's wrist felt like fire. JJ was fire.

Emily watched. She watched JJ contend with everything that was thrown at her. She was passionate, vibrant and tenacious. She was a force to be reckoned with. Had a will in her that would not fade, would not break. Yet Emily often mused how gentle she was. Soft and nurturing. Graceful and elegant. What happened here, between them, it wasn't only rough. Wasn't only fucking a darkness that curled around their minds and souls away, until sometimes it could be considered damaging. It could be the complete opposite. Where touches were soft and slow, lingering or fleeting. In those times the connection was different. JJ was different. Brought that facet of herself in to make the light that Emily saw in the shadows even brighter. When in those times Emily could have been convinced that JJ felt the same. As amazingly blue eyes would shine lighter, rather than dipping darker. It stung when she had to remind herself that she was the only one carrying the hope of having more than this was, that she was a pressure valve to JJ, and once again get dragged through the process of wondering what role she was expected to fill.

What stopped her now, from being dragged back into that uncertain, un-solid world of questions, was unsurprisingly JJ, as she surprisingly nodded faintly. The relief ran through Emily so intently it almost burned, but as she looked into seemingly understanding, gentle yet tired blue eyes, Emily knew her relief could only be glimpsed in her own brown ones. What Emily had also noticed since being posted to the BAU and meeting the woman beside her, was that JJ could efficiently communicate without speaking a word. She also gave off the air of understanding, or any other feeling she wanted. It brought back that small glimmer of hope, even though Emily had already begun to convince herself that JJ wasn't hunting for her clothes right now, because she was too tired to.

As Emily pulled the duvet up across both of them, appreciating the instant warmth it provided after being exposed to the chill of the air, it occurred to her that not wanting to lose the little she had with JJ was not the only reason she never voiced her true feelings. As the blonde shifted a little closer to her, so that their skin was almost touching, Emily began to wonder to herself if fear stopped her too. The dark haired profiler acknowledged for the first time that maybe she wasn't willing to admit what she felt out loud, or even recognize the possibility it had a chance of being reciprocated, was because she was scared. Because indeed, words could not be taken back once spoken. They were the backbone of all things. It made something real. And being faced with the real possibility that JJ now or one day could love her back, it scared her. Not only due to past experiences. Not only due to her family situation, or any of the differences between them. But because she would be faced with even more questions about herself. A woman she clearly knew nothing about. Other than the fundamental. She was Emily Prentiss.

It was quite possibly the last thought she had before giving in to inevitable slumber. A case that had stretched out for days, the relentless questions in her head, finished by hours of fucking, it had been a foregone conclusion that she would have to give in to sleep. Albeit a different state of sleep. JJ's presence was unusually phenomenal. Emily registered somewhere, that she had never felt so comfortable, so natural, sleeping beside somebody, in her entire life.

Come morning light, that comfort had left her. Abandoned her. That presence was gone. Emily felt it, physically; before she had even cracked an eye open. Her body was satiated. But part of her, the victorious traitorous side of her that had awakened last night, fell silent and cold upon realizing that the bedroom and the space beside her was as silent and cold. There was no presence. No comfort. No hope. Her blonde beauty, she was gone. JJ had gone. With no note, no reason, no nothing. Jennifer Jareau had vanished from her limbs, her bed, apartment and anything as personal. She was just gone. And part of Emily wanted to feel fury for that. A fury born out of 4 months of sleeping together. But that's all this was, right? Sleeping together? How could she be mad, how could she blame JJ from slinking away whilst she was asleep, when that's what she lead her to believe that's all this was? Simple fucking. Taking out frustration. The distinct satisfaction of burning muscles, distinct pleasure as well as distinct pain. Oblivion.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

Despite herself, Emily couldn't swallow the sting following JJ's silent departure. From having something she so desperately wanted snatched away from her. Her thoughts last night had been correct; asking JJ to stay was a mistake. A huge mistake.

Agent Emily Prentiss, the Ambassadors daughter, had switched onto an aloof and withdrawn autopilot. After ripping herself out of bed, she had numbly stepped beneath the spray of her shower, letting the hot and hard water wash away all of her sins. Wash away every touch, every kiss. She let it wash JJ off of her skin. There was nothing she could do about the rest. She couldn't wash away JJ from the inside, her blood and soul. Her heart. A heart that she was sure she had sealed some time ago.

The bitterness she felt toward the blonde bubbled in her stomach. For not realizing. For not returning the same feelings. For using her as a physical release. Like masturbating by another person. Her. She wanted JJ to see, wanted her to look properly. She wanted to look into cobalt eyes, still shining in the darkness, and know that JJ was looking into her, rather than watching what responses she was eliciting by skilled fingers. She wanted JJ to look at her every time she crossed the bullpen. She wanted her to make it clear to all that endeavored to come onto her that she was someone else's, and she wanted her to think of her when she woke up and when she went to sleep. Emily wanted to consume the blonde, and visa versa. She wanted to go to movies, and dinners. To shower JJ with the affection she deserved, deliver her favourite flowers, walk down the street holding hands, stroke through her hair in front of an open fire, talk until the sun came up and just lay together cuddled up in comfortable silence. She wanted to be the one to chase JJ's nightmares away, work the knots out of her muscles, wipe away her tears, share in her laughter and even fight with her in a lovers spat. She wanted to cook for her, tell her all the experiences from her past, take her to her favourite places. Emily wanted Jennifer's mind and soul, as well as her body.

Knowing that that was likely never to happen was a pain worse than getting shot. It left a severe and painful emptiness in its wake. And she knew the blame could not be placed at the feet of anyone but herself. It would be easier, to blame JJ of course. After all, JJ was the one that had slipped out of her bed without a word this morning. Slinked away, frightened by the light of day. But if the situation had been reversed, Emily knew she probably would have done the same thing. It wasn't like JJ knew she was in love with her. Emily had no right to expect anything from her. Even the tiny voice with the fragile glimmer of hope that JJ returned her feelings was being washed over in a sea of uncertainty, fear and anger. Emily couldn't figure out why JJ had agreed to stay. It had never happened before. Usually they walked out of each other's lives when they had taken what they had wanted, to see each other the next day or sometimes just later on in the day. Be it work, a social gathering or needing another fix. JJ never slept over. And she never slept over either. Emily knew she was guilty of perpetuating the image of her not wanting anything but sex. Why would JJ not walk out in the morning without saying a word? It wasn't as though she owed her anything, right? There was a quiet but logical voice inside of her head telling her that the younger woman had to go home and get ready for work, that she tended to be the first into the office even beating Hotchner most days. Still, it had hurt. Which was why it was a mistake in the first place. Emily now knew what it was like to sleep with JJ, and not just fuck her and run. And she knew it was something she could get used to. Something she would happily spend the rest of her nights comfortable with. Having it right there but unobtainable was like torture. And now she was filled with more questions than ever before.

There were only certain things keeping her going right now. Her job. Emily was grounded in her job, even though she still felt the need to prove herself every now and again. Needed to remind herself and everyone around her why exactly she was on this team, and that she could fit in. Despite herself, family was next on that list. Trial by fire, that was an excellent way to describe things with her parents. Especially her Mother. But there was something to be said about being a Prentiss, even though she hated it a lot of the time. Or rather, the politics of it. The showmanship of it all. When stripped down to herself, Emily hated walking on airs and graces. However, that was the game in her family's world. Still, she had a place. She always had had a place. Whatever her troubles and strife's with her Mother, which had been a constant battle, she still had something. Emily wondered if she would ever answer this tidal wave inside of her. And a part of her felt like there was something on the horizon. Something coming her way. And it was all tied into her trip to France.

France. Jennifer and France.

Emily had spent most of her thinking time during the morning leading up to lunchtime, as she had set about getting through the wedge of files piled on her desk, thinking about the turnabout last night had brought. What had inspired her to ask JJ to go to France, she simply didn't know. And what had inspired JJ to agree, she couldn't work out. Maybe it was sex induced? So high from orgasm that neither of them had been able to give much thought into question and answer. Or thought into what it would mean. But the fact remained; Emily still wanted JJ to go. For more than one reason. However, she spent a good amount of an hour trying to pluck up the courage to go and face the blonde in question. The final push being the file that JJ would need to look at and sign off on. Emily refused to let the work suffer, so refused to hide from JJ all day.

Despite a long and deep seeded uncertainty about exactly who she was, Emily had never done uncertain all that often. However, she was aware that it was how people could perceive her. Admittedly, she was a geek. And she didn't have the most gracious of people skills. What this didn't mean however, was that she was ill confident. Emily had also a long history of going for what she wanted. Of believing in her capabilities. Of standing up for what she wanted. People though, they were trickier. She could be skittish around people, because she had always ignored the teachings of how to be a social butterfly when she had been growing up. Instead she'd usually had her face stuck in a book. It was why she tended to mess up dates, or fail to impress someone upon the first meet. It wasn't a lack of confidence, so much that her mouth engaged before her brain could catch up, leading her to say something outstandingly geeky or inappropriate, and that was when she would panic.

Jennifer made her panic. Because she had never felt anything close to what Jennifer made her feel. Emily had no idea how to handle that. Besides to blunder through. Which was why she was stood inside of JJ's office doorway, clutching her file like it was a shield. How she had gotten from her desk to here, she wasn't too sure. But she had spent the entire day in a state of haze, so she wasn't exactly surprised. She couldn't even remember the drive from home to work this morning. It was amazing that she hadn't crashed, or had managed to dress herself and bring everything she needed for the day.

Emily looked at JJ from her vantage point, yet to go noticed as the blonde hunched over her desk, one arm propping her head up as her hand fisted some of her blonde hair, as the other held the receiver of her desk phone to her ear. Even from here, Emily could tell that every muscle of JJ's body was tense and rigid. The atmosphere was thick and just as tense, frustration and annoyance poured out of the younger woman and could be felt like a truck running into you at full throttle. All that feeling that JJ had worked ever so hard to shed last night, evidently, had rushed back into her during the course of the morning. Emily had never envied the other Agent's job. She herself would have taken out her gun and shot quite a few people that JJ had to deal with by now. How the blonde kept her patience, she had no idea. But she did know, the reason she managed to keep that patience, was the love for this team. For the unit, what they did and represented. JJ not only undertook her field duties, going to crime scene after crime scene and dealing with authorities, families and the suffocating rush of media, but she also took on something the rest of the team didn't particularly have to deal with. She answered to a lot of people on behalf of this team. Dealt with the red tape, the paperwork, and the powers that be that demanded answers and explanations as to what the team did, where it went and why they went. And she combed through every single case sent to her, ordered it, assigned it and picked the most horrific ones for the whole team's attention. Emily had to admit, she often wondered if she could hack that kind of pressure. Wondered if her constant musings of profiling being too close to the line of killers was just nonsense and a tad whiney, when that's all she had to do. Still, she knew deep down it wasn't whiney. She had a lot to carry, and JJ herself would say that too. The blonde often felt like a simple aid to the team, just a facility to let them do their thing. But she wasn't. No one in this team was just an aid, ever.

''No, I did not say that. Because I would never say that. Detective Fisher, listen to me please…''

Emily recognized that tone, that stance she portrayed through that tone. It was when JJ dug her heels into the ground and would not budge in a month of Sunday's. Emily had seen her do it in many, many different ways. Normally, JJ didn't have to resort to losing her rag, but on this occasion it seemed that this Detective Fisher had pushed her buttons. Emily definitely saw that in JJ's eyes, dark, cold and almost feral with her anger, as the blonde looked up. It felt like whiplash, having that look focused on her. For eyes that normally carried varying emotions that very rarely took on one thing wholly. The older Agent felt uncomfortable and afraid of that look, but so very turned on and seduced by it too. The purity of the look made JJ as raw and animalistic as she had seen her many times, just in a slightly different way. But once those blue eyes had settled onto her, and it had registered who was standing there, it quickly faded. Faded into a more welcoming one. But with weariness and tiredness behind it. Emily could see questions in that dark sea of blue. She recognized questions and uncertainty anywhere.

It was odd, the things you could pick up from a person's eyes. Like Emily could tell JJ had questions, she could tell that many of them centered around her. She could tell that JJ was thinking about last night, but there was a wall that could be easily seen, could almost be felt even. Those nicely placed fortress walls that seemingly Emily could only get through at certain times. And given JJ's defensive posture now, she didn't expect it to happen here. If she wanted to, then she would have to find the right words, the right feelings. But she didn't have those. She didn't think she did, anyway. But as JJ gestured her in, Emily didn't stop herself. Couldn't stop herself. JJ could have been the panned piper for all she cared, hers was a call she could never ignore.

''There are a _lot _of cases that my team deals with. Yours was given to a Supervisory Special Agent, who looked over it thoroughly, I assure you. Sir, we have a lot of work to do here, and I'm unwilling to sit and listen to you whine about the profile you have been given. Do you really want the FBI to come all the way down there to hold your hand and take over the investigation? Okay, well then I suggest you reread the profile and use it accordingly, like you were suggested to do. Yeah, you too.''

Emily jumped slightly as JJ banged the receiver back into the base, before letting out a frustrated growl and flopping her face into her hands. Never had Emily seen her quite so dismissive and…well, rude. Even in frustrating situations, JJ didn't usually let her manners slide. Especially over a difference of opinion over a profile. She had dealt with a lot of misunderstandings of that nature. Emily wondered why it affected her so much now. Wondered if it had anything to do with that weary look in her eyes she had gotten when she appeared in at her door. But what did that mean?

Did it mean JJ had been thinking about last night? Thinking about France? Or thinking about being asked to stay?

''You okay?''

She broached carefully, not wanting to sound like she was checking up on her or being smothering. As JJ looked up again, that anger still firmly in place, Emily knew a snarky reply was inbound. It was one thing to not lash out at strangers, other law enforcement and what have you, but another not to do it with the people she practically lived with. Especially her. But also, mixing in with that anger, JJ looked lost. With a look of innocence and pure of heart that nearly broke Emily's heart. Because she didn't know if she had put that look there or not. It was the look that expressed confusion, of not knowing if you were coming or going. Is that how JJ felt? Is that how JJ felt about her? Like she didn't know what she was doing? Because she felt more? Because she felt very little? Or because she had had no communication as to which Emily felt? Emily wished that she had the courage to just tell her, right now, to just level with her everything that she felt. But she kept her silence.

''Sure, being called a power hungry bitch always makes my day.''

Internally Emily had braced herself for the comment, both because she knew it would come and also because she guessed that JJ needed to snap at someone. She was closest, so she had decided to take the hit. Even though it still stung, considering that it was JJ that had crawled out of her bed and sneaked off this morning without so much as a word.

''Sorry, Em. That wasn't meant for you. Just that obnoxious ass. What can I do for you?''

Emily watched JJ's face contorted into a cringe, and then an apologetic and a calmer expression. By her offered question, she had a much softer tone that she usually reserved for friends. Friends. Emily found it off putting, for her chances, that JJ used her friend tone with her. No special tone, no tone to separate her from the rest of the team. But those eyes, those searching eyes, they were different. Not that she could believe it. If she started to believe it, she was going to get hurt. Still, it was odd for JJ to be like that. Maybe she was thinking about her. Maybe she was tired and confused about the situation. Worrying what had happened and changed last night, if anything.

''S'okay. I erm…I needed you to look over this.''

Suddenly not having a clue as to what to say, Emily found herself relying on her not so grand social skills. The ones that tended to let her down with impressions. The same ones that lead people to believe that she was lacking confidence. If they were to make that judgment now, they wouldn't really be wrong. She wanted desperately to find it. Find whatever it was that made her strive and stand up for what she wanted. But the thought of loosing what little she had with JJ stopped her each time. But the limit was getting further and further away. Last night had been an example of that. Her stop gap had failed her and let her ask two huge things in the land of fuck buddies.

Mentally she cursed herself for letting it show, and watched JJ stand slowly, before reaching out to take the file. Without either of their permission, their eyes connected and locked in for a moment. Stripping pretense, especially as JJ dropped the file onto her desk. Emily gulped a little, wondering if JJ could see everything she felt. Wondered if she had worked it all out, and now was the time where everything was made or broken. But after a moment, when the blonde blinked, there came that impish, lost innocence again.

''Listen, I just wanted to erm…to apologise, for this morning? You were asleep and I didn't want things to…I dunno, be awkward? I guess?

As JJ's tone hushed, and the slightly tint of pink flushed her cheeks, Emily felt a pang in her stomach. Not only out of the mention of this morning, but because JJ felt she needed to rectify it. Like she was justifying or seeking absolution. Why? Because she thought she had hurt a friends feelings? Or because she was just too nice not to apologise?

''Oh, sure…don't worry about it. You know, I guessed you would have needed to go home to change and stuff. Its fine.''

Whatever it was anyway, Emily let her off the hook. Not wanting to really hash anything out here at work, and protecting that last bit of hope along with her desire not to sabotage whatever this was. She had never seen JJ look so shy before, not even since the night this had started. Her eyes kept looking at hers for a moment before darting off around the room or looking down for a second. Her breath was shallow and uneasy, and she couldn't find a good way to stand. JJ was nervous. Very nervous. They were colleagues, and they were friends. This thing between them, it could usually be easily mentioned, say when they would agree to a time or place or just make a comment about a night before. Like it was just what they as friends talked about. There had never been this.

''Yeah, I did, I did. And erm…you know…about France? You don't have to…I mean…I won't be…don't have to…''

Seeing JJ struggle was not particularly a usual sight, nor was it easy for Emily to watch. She had the sneaking suspicion that JJ was trying to tell her that it was okay to un-invite her. That she could say that without feeling bad. Or, she was trying to let herself off the hook easily, and trying to tell her that she didn't want to go. Emily wasn't exactly sure which one it was. She only knew which one she would have liked it to be.

''I'd still like you to come.''

It was a reflex. A decision that had been made and executed before she could catch up with herself. Before her brain and fear could clamp her mouth shut. She did want JJ to go. And although she had sounded so brazen and sure just then, now that her thoughts were with her, she lost that feeling immediately and completely missed the slightly relieved look in the other woman's eyes.

''I mean, if you want to, that is.''

Clearing her throat, Emily looked back up at JJ fretfully, her bottom lip now in between her teeth delicately, held in suspense. She had no real idea of what was happening to her. Since when was her internal battle being won on one side and lost on the other? And since when did she let herself slowly start to take more chances with the blonde, take more risk? It was like she wanted herself to sabotage this. Because again, letting herself run on hope was just not a good idea.

''_Really_? I mean…yeah…I just thought…well I thought maybe you asked because you know? Maybe you didn't really know you had, because you'd just…''

Emily looked at JJ for a moment in confusion, trying to stick with her nervous reply and then watched her raise an eyebrow and gesture a little with her hand until she got the point. Widening her own eyes, Emily flailed her hands in the air and shook her head quickly.

''No! No, I hadn't. I mean, I _had_ just…I meant I hadn't asked _because_ of that. But I thought you'd answered because of that…I'm confused!''

Sighing as she licked her lips and ran a hand through her hair, Emily decided that this was getting somewhat ridiculous. They were walking on eggshells and that wasn't their style. Just because they kept their after hour activities secret, didn't mean that they walked on eggshells about it around each other, until now. And the fact remained, that JJ had now stated twice that she wanted to come to France. As what, Emily had no idea. But obviously, things were just not working and she needed to stop fighting the instinct to find out why. Find out if they could be more. They would be up on a mountain with only each other for company, maybe that would be exactly what they needed? The questions could be answered, and perhaps one way or another, Emily could find out what she was to JJ.

''Me too.''

Sighing again, Emily rubbed her forehead now as she looked down toward the floor. She had to stop thinking so much. Stop analyzing every single thing. Needed to go with the simple truth. And that was, in the very least, they were friends. Or colleagues that were friendly. Either way, it caused them to care about each other. And the other simple truth was that she had no choice but to go up that mountain, and she would rather not go up there alone. JJ was her first choice, possibly the only choice, in person she would want to take, given the reason she was going. So again she looked up, sincere and honest.

''Honestly JJ, you don't have to. I just…I'm going up there to sort out some things in my Grandfather's cabin. He left it to me and I haven't been up there since he died, and now I have to decide whether to sell it to some interested buyers or not. I could really use a friend up there.''

She laid out genuinely, letting her need come through but not using it as a motivation or guilt trip for JJ to still want to go. She just wanted to be honest, because so far, she hadn't been very honest with the blonde. Or herself. And it was something she liked to consider one of her better qualities. There was a warm relief running through her at just giving up the fight and letting go. Deciding to stop her inner struggling moved some of the weight inside, on her shoulders even. It took her another step forward. So, if she lost what she had with JJ, at least she knew where she stood. Did she really want an empty physical relationship with someone she was in love with? Wasn't that just a grander form of sabotaging herself? She had to know. It was her way. She had spent her life turning over rocks for answers, did it as a profession. She couldn't leave this rock unturned either, it wasn't her style.

''Then you'll have one, Emily. I'd be glad to help.''

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It had been a quick and trying 3 weeks. Emily could say agonizing, if she felt dramatic enough. The comfort she felt knowing that she wouldn't be trailing all the way to France to face her Grandfather's ghost alone, it ran deep and curled into her very fiber. Exactly this was what she had been putting off for years. Her Grandfather had been the only good constant in her life growing up. As a child Emily had both desperately and eagerly awaited their trips to France, because it always meant that they would be visiting her Grandpa. Up there on his mountain in his little authentic farmhouse come cabin. She had loved it, everything about it. Emily had especially loved how rustic it was. Completely hidden from the world, no technology to speak of. Not even any proper running water or electric supplies. Just the self contained water system, the septic tank for drainage and a generator. Something her Mother had always cursed and fought about when they were there. But as the Ambassador hated it, she had loved it. It gave her the chance to be a little girl, to indulge her adventurous side. Often her parents would leave her there, as they went back into their civilization and booked into their hotel, and that was always just fine with Emily. Uninterrupted freedom with her Grandpa in a place that she loved. In a place she didn't have to walk on airs or graces, be the perfect little girl or be on display. This was where the stories she read came to life, where magic could happen and where she learnt the core of her values. Her Grandfather had had a lot to do with the woman that she had become.

He had died before she could learn all she wanted to from him though. The letters that she cherished had begun to get fewer and far between, until one day her Mother had told her that her Grandfather was sick and would be brought to a special hospital. The thought had been ghastly to Emily, of her Grandfather being sick and coming down from the mountain. In at least 10 years Emily didn't think he had stepped foot off of it once. She knew he would have hated the idea. Knew that if he was sick, he would have wanted to be nursed in his home. She had always been bitter at her parents for taking that away from him. Was haunted by the look in his old, deep dark eyes as she had gone to his deathbed to say her goodbyes. It had broken her heart to see a great man so demeaned like that. So confused and pained, wasting away rapidly. Once a tall and gentle giant, then a small and fragile shell. As her parents had settled for placing him in the finest care money could buy, they had just waited until the phone call came. Conscience apparently clear. Emily however had chosen to remain at his bedside. Using her summer break to help nurse him. The staff at the hospital had quickly learnt not to try and make her leave, and instead set up somewhere for her to sleep. They understood. And they had been there for her, for him. As she had fed him, calmed him from nightmares and memories long passed. She had spent hours upon hours reading to him, all of his favourite works. She had been there through the pain, the vomit, the wetting the bed…all of it. And it had poked a hole right through her soul. But she loved him. She refused to abandon him like her parents. Not out of duty or obligation, but out of respect and love. The respect and love she still felt for him.

Emily often looked back on his words of wisdom to her, his nature and attitude. His way. The things he had taught her. Emily also thought about what he would say about her cat and mouse game with JJ. Knew that if he saw what she was doing, he would have something to say about it. Something entirely different to what her Mother would say, who would be horrified that she was screwing another woman. Her Grandpa on the other hand, had no such limitations on love. Love was love, he had always told her. No matter whom the person be, as long as there was no hurt involved, why put limits on it? Emily often wondered if he had seen in her something she had never admitted to him. Hadn't had chance to. Wondered if he had said that so when she realised, she would feel some comfort from him. He was a very perceptive man, had a way of seeing into someone with no trouble. He always knew exactly what to say. She chose to believe that he was preparing her, because they both knew that being different in their family, in their social circle, was grounds for panic and fear. He would tell her, in no uncertain terms, to pull her head out of her ass and tell the truth. To put her heart out there, and chance the risk of it being trodden on. He would tell her to stop playing games with JJ and do something about it. Basically he would kick her up the ass and tell her to step up.

In a very diluted and weak way, Emily hoped that she was starting to. Taking JJ to France with her would be letting the blonde into a world that she never shared with anyone. A world that only belonged to him and herself. It was going to be hard, draining even, to go back up to that mountain. She would expect him to be there. Chopping logs or tending to his garden. She desperately wished she could introduce him to Jennifer. Wanted painfully to tell him about all the things she had been doing, the tales she had from work. But she couldn't. He could never see who she had turned out to 

be. And right now, she wondered if that was a good thing or not. Right now, she thought he would be a little disappointed in her. But she pushed that aside, as she thought about going to a place where she would think about him constantly. That would be empty and alien and cold without him. Therefore she would be completely vulnerable, cracked open for JJ to see. But maybe that would be a good thing? Maybe if she really let JJ in, things could change. Either that or she would completely overwhelm the blonde. That would be known in time.

''What're you thinking about?''

Emily blinked as the words echoed within her mind, breaking her of her thoughts. She had no real idea how long she had lapsed into thought and memory for. Long enough for the woman in question to realise she had, she supposed. To cause interest enough to ask. And the wealth of warmth in JJ's voice made it clear she cared, that she wanted to know if Emily was willing to tell her.

''My Grandpa. I wonder what he would think about the woman I became, what I do with my life. I miss him. He was everything to me. With him, I wasn't Emily Prentiss the Ambassador's daughter. I was Emily; I was just a little girl. His granddaughter. He was the only one who loved me for me, you know? Or loved me at all, because my parents sure as hell never did. He only ever wanted me to be happy, that was his only expectation of me.''

She had no idea where it came from, or why she said it. It was the truth of course, but Emily didn't normally cut it so finely or clearly. Not even for herself. But she was especially surprised, considering that she was saying this on an airplane full of people. Reminiscing like this, to such a degree, was unusual for her. Opening up so easily and quickly was unusual for her. She was aware that she was considered a very mysterious person, by her team and many others. Stoic. That was just her. It had been what she had learnt through living with politicians. But there was something about Jennifer that could wiggle free random parts of information from her. Get her to open up, even if it was only for a moment. Even if she only said one thing. It hadn't escaped Emily's notice. And it had been something JJ had been able to do even before they started sleeping together, and before Emily had realised that she was in love with her. She also noticed that the blonde held the same power with most of the team.

Emily turned now, suddenly feeling way too exposed as she realised that she had just plunged into a depth that she very rarely went to. The honest truth about her relationship with her parents, and all the implications of how exactly she had grown up. In a world full of broken promises, belittling remarks, high expectations and much, much more. A world severely lacking in any real emotion. The truth was, Emily had absolutely no idea whether her parents loved her or not. The evidence tipped toward the more negative answer, which struck nothing much in her other than quiet sadness anymore. At this point in her life, she had lost the energy to be angry and bitter. They were still there, but just compartmentalized into one of her boxes, ready to spring out if that energy should ever happen upon her again. They had never said it, not once. Never given her any real reason to believe they did but just couldn't say it for some reason. Emily knew she had been planned. Scheduled in, she thought. There to further both, but especially her Mother's, image. The perfect family. She was there as an ornament, simply to look good and further people's trust to her parents. If she asked them, they would have no idea what her favourite colour was. What her favourite book was, or anything simple like that. They had no idea what food she liked, what music she liked or any of her views on anything other than what they were interested in. As a child, other than her Grandfather, the Nanny had more insight into her than they did.

Briefly, Emily wondered why she had spiraled into such dark thought. It had caught her off guard, and she assumed it was a combination of three very important factures that she was facing right now. Of course, going up to the cabin after all this time was one of them. It stirred up a lot of emotion and thought, memories and musings. The other was the woman accompanying her, their past, present and future all weighing on her mind heavily. As well as the last couple of weeks that she considered could be called agonizing if she were feeling dramatic. The last case they had worked on had been excruciating to watch. Especially so because it involved children. One that had reminded her so much of herself it was like looking into a mirror. And when she had failed to help that little girl, she had felt something snap. Something that she had turned to JJ for, to forget. And she had been trying so hard to slow down their physical relationship, instead trying to curve it somehow. Temper it, even. But she had learnt over this 3 weeks, since JJ had agreed to come to France, that it was extremely hard to pull away from the younger woman. That she was completely addicted, and her craving for her was the most she had ever felt for anyone. So in reality, as she thought about it, she hadn't changed much. They had perhaps slept together a couple of times less than normal.

''I'm sorry; I don't know why I just blurted that out. That was a little dark and pathetic of me. I guess I'm just tired…''

Sighing as she rubbed a thumb against her forehead, feeling a little stupid, Emily stopped short her scrambling apology as she felt JJ's hand on top of her own. Her eyes drifted back over to clear, understanding blue ones, before dipping down to their hands as their fingers were laced together gently. She was so shocked that she just watched, like it wasn't her hand at all. That she didn't move her fingers to lace with JJ's as she did the same. But she had. And the gesture, JJ's gesture, made her heart skip for a moment, making her chest feel heavier as her breath slipped from her into shallowness. It occurred to her that this type of comfort, a gesture of understanding, had happened a few times between them. The most memorable one of course, when they had been anxiously waiting in the hospital after Garcia had been shot. JJ had been trying not to show it, trying to hold herself together in front of everyone, but she had been a wreck. Emily knew that everyone had been worried. They all loved Garcia. But JJ was her best friend. There was a lot of things that went on between them that she knew that the rest of the team didn't know about, even most of it, she knew she didn't know about. They had been through a lot together, and they adored each other. Garcia had told her once, in JJ's absence, that she was her rock. That no matter what was happening, she knew because JJ would be there, dead centre of her world, she would be okay. And that said a lot, considering that most people thought it would be Morgan giving her that kind of anchorage. And he did, but in a completely different way. This was a connection only best friends could fill. Emily had never had anyone like that, not until now. And even now, those lines and distinctions were blurred. The only way she had known how to give that anchorage to JJ at that time, was to take her hand. She didn't think she had been held onto so tightly in her life. She didn't think she had held on so tightly as she was now.

''I suspect that this may be the first of quite a few emotional outbursts for me. I'm sorry, I should have made how hard this will be for me crystal clear.''

She murmured, once again looking up into the most piercing eyes she had ever had the privilege to look into. Instantly, she sighed again, somewhat angry at herself for becoming so self deprecating. For letting herself slip. They had been out of the country for just a handful of hours, and there were more yet to come until touchdown. In her eyes it could have waited. But everything was getting more complicated and simpler at the same time.

''I don't want to do this, especially not now. I just don't know how to make all the thoughts stop.''

Emily had to admit to herself, and evidently JJ, that she really didn't know how to clear her head. To bridge the bombardment and the mess of memories to a halt before her head exploded. When she had told JJ that she was good at compartmentalizing, she had meant it. She would usually choose when to observe her thoughts on such matters. Unless an outside influence provoked them, or they just drifted by on the odd occasion. This however, was a major stimulus to send her brain into overdrive, enough that it couldn't contain those box walls very well. She longed for a peace of mind, a clarity or simply anything that could calm what was happening on the inside. JJ's simple touch had already affected her, brought her some solace. But she definitely needed more.

''You made it clear, Emily. Don't apologise, I'm here for that. For you. So, I think I may be able to help with the thoughts, if you're interested in joining the mile high club, that is?''

Emily found herself swinging between touched and turned on. The gravity of JJ's words hit her like a ton of bricks. Resonated inside of her. Knowing that JJ was already aware what it was going to be like, that she wasn't scared and wanted to be there for her, it made something shift. Made a weight start to disappear slowly. She was there for _her_. The conviction JJ had said it with grounded her. She saw the gentleness in those blue eyes, the sparkling sincerity. But right now, Emily didn't question whether it came out of friendship or something more. Because the feeling was too amazing, and as blue eyes turned mischievous and seductive, a very distinctive feeling hit her stomach as she swallowed an imaginary lump in her throat.

''The erm…the mile high club? As in, sex on a plane?''

Of course she knew what the damn mile high club was, but currently her brain was rapidly shutting down. So she supposed JJ really could help with stopping her thoughts. She hadn't even touched her yet, done nothing so much as look at her, and Emily was ready to combust. Still, JJ did have that talent, didn't she? Emily doubted she had ever appreciated it so much before right now. All that promise, the suggestiveness and downright raw sexiness. Unadulterated, untamed and undefined. Emily honestly thought that Jennifer Jareau might have been sex personified. Especially when she wanted to exude it, like now. And from that smug look in her eyes, Emily knew JJ could tell what affect she was having on her. And she also spotted the experience of this in those darkening blue eyes.

''Oh, trust me, its fun. Bathroom, 2 minutes. I'll make you forget your name, if you want me to.''

Emily could only watch, mesmerized as JJ gave her a cocky wink before standing up from her seat. The brunette gulped, feeling her skin get hotter as the blonde slid past her and moved down the aisle toward the toilet. Emily asked herself for a moment what she was about to get into. As she craned her neck to watch JJ slip into one of the cubicles, Emily decided that she was more than willing to join the mile high club with JJ.

Right now, her brain refused to register her intent of slowing things down. In gaining some introspection on what she was doing, what she was letting happen. On how to regain her control. In the face of the desperate need to shed herself of every soul piercing thought she had been having, and likely would have more of before they even got to France, those intentions faltered greatly. Buckled under such an inviting offer, shook in light of previous experiences, and broke completely with the look in JJ's eyes. Her head spun, her breath still shallow as she grasped for air. JJ made her feel like a horny teenager sometimes. Hot and ready, always willing to comply, always willing to give back as much as she took. Able and willing. Her body tingled in anticipation, throbbed and ached. The memory of JJ that lived inside of her muscles, her bones, brought to life every past caress and pleasure. Emily knew right then, that she was definitely JJ's personal human puppet. She also didn't care. There was only one real coherent thought running through her overly analytical brain.

Emily definitely wanted to forget her name.

Before she had even realised she had moved from her seat, Emily found herself being unceremoniously yanked into the cubical and hastily pinned against the door after it was pulled shut and locked sharply. There was that distinctive weight, that warmth that resonated straight through into the core of her body. Hot, welcoming, inviting, comforting…there were a whole lot of words that Emily could conjure up about having JJ pressed up against her. She knew JJ liked this. To get her back up against anything, but especially walls, applying pressure with her body, knowing what affect it made ripple through her body. Emily didn't object as JJ leaned in further still, one hand placed at each side of her head. There was truly no escape, even if she wanted to escape. Never did such a notion enter her head. Not from the very first night they had fucked their pain away. Her dwellings always hit her later, much, much later.

''What do you want from me, Emily?''

Emily shuddered at the hushed question, felt the heat of JJ's breath on the skin at the end of her jaw line, just by the ear, then the soft nip that followed it. Her breath hitched, abandoned her, as more pressure was applied, despite that she wasn't actually being touched. Not how she wanted to be. Not by those hands. Even though the feeling of JJ's exquisite body pressed against her own was something Emily was still working on putting into words. But those words failed her, always. The ones she trusted implicitly, they broke when it came to the majestic, spirited and stunningly breathtaking woman before her. She just crippled them instantly with her intensity, her awe and prowess.

''I…I want you to make me forget. I want you to fuck me, Jennifer.''

As JJ looked at her, blue eyes penetrating her own, Emily felt her breath hitch deep inside her throat as she gulped almost nervously. Long seconds slipped by, filled only with the intensity of JJ's stare along with the soft noises of shallow, unregulated breathing. As JJ continued to look at her, every intention and desire filling deliciously dark blue orbs, Emily was unable to do anything else but stare back, completely at JJ's mercy. For a handful of seconds, it felt like the younger woman was looking into her, searching, exploring…seeing a woman that Emily could never quite find. She couldn't help but think, as much as her head was spinning from the weight of contact right now, that there was a difference in the connection. That this wasn't simply about fucking and getting fucked. There was something beneath the surface of those pools of blue, hidden in the endless depths. Something under the want, under the longing. But underneath such a look, Emily's thought processes began to whither. Seeing the hunger in those eyes, only aimed at her, made the delightful anticipatory pangs shoot through her. She felt like a goddess underneath that stare, like the personification of sex because that's just how JJ looked at her. Like she wanted to crawl beneath her skin, get lost inside of her, feel everything there was to feel in there. She craved her, and saw only her. And Emily liked that. Liked knowing that she clouded every single one of JJ's sensations, her thoughts, hell even her breath. Emily knew that she was the centre of JJ's universe in these moments, occupying everything about her and she knew, could feel, how intently she was coveted.

Before she knew it, Emily found herself in a devastatingly crushing and soul searching kiss. JJ's body pressed harder into her own, causing a low but guttural moan, mouth unrelenting and devouring. There was something distinctly unique and overwhelmingly consuming about Jennifer's kiss. Nothing short of its own event. A demanding tongue probed into Emily's mouth, hungry and powerful, and the profiler soon found herself in a hot and heavy fight for dominance. Like they were both seeking to completely own each other's mouths.

Despite the pressure between them already, Emily's hands shifted to grip JJ's hips, pulling her closer sill as she felt lithe hands move to tangle in her hair and grip the back of her neck. Body flushed with burning arousal, Emily quickly began to leave the remnants of her thoughts behind. Under the avid onslaught of pleasure and promised oblivion, gone were reminders of what she had to do this trip and where she had to do it. Gone were the ghosts and the memories, the questions and the speculation. Her world gratefully began to dissolve around her, leaving only JJ and Emily's throbbing desire for her. The thrill of knowing they were more or less in public, could be caught at any moment, pushed her further toward that edge she craved for and made her blood gush faster as her heart pounded harder and everything started to throb and pulsate.

Her hands couldn't stop themselves from gripping the hem of JJ's top, desperately needing to feel the skin underneath. Unceremoniously she yanked the garment off, grateful that JJ complied to her wish. It felt like a dire need, from somewhere deep inside as her own skin began to burn, to rid the confines of offending clothes to gain the access to skin. As soon as the top of discarded, eager hands found their way onto exquisitely soft, heat flushed skin. The brunette enjoyed the twitch of muscles from the blonde underneath her roaming hands as they glided over her sides and around onto her taunt stomach. Almost like it was instinct, her hands moved down, quickly fumbling JJ's belt undone, the button of her jeans closely following. It surprised her then, lost in her sex fuelled haze, as JJ took hold of her wrists and pinned her arms up against the wall.

Emily could only describe the look in JJ's eyes as they once again locked into hers, as predatory. Liquid desire stirred within disturbingly dark eyes, contrast to the bright sky blue they normally were. Liquid desire that made Emily gulp breathlessly, made sharp and hot pangs shoot from her chest, straight through her stomach and hit the centre of an already throbbing core. The look though only lasted a moment before mouths were drawn together again, but Emily definitely got the message. JJ wanted her to know that she was in charge. And that it wasn't her that was the focus of this spontaneous fucking session, Emily was. A fact that sent more waves rippling through her hot and wanting body.

Emily who was quickly stripped of her shirt after nimble fingers set about popping open the buttons, evidently the fact that they had to go back out at some point registering in JJ's mind and causing her not to just rip the thing off. After she had been yanked free by the eager blonde, a whimper escaped her as a hot, wet mouth devoured onto her nipples, alternating in sucking and biting ministrations. Emily bit down on her lip, trying desperately to keep quiet as she bucked into the touch, heady sensations completely engulfing her at the skillfulness of Jennifer's ministrations. Emily knew that JJ wasn't done by far, was only just getting started, and she was ready to explode. Ready to feel the buildup of pleasure deep in her stomach, moving down to meet the throbbing desire between her legs so she could cum, hard and unremitting.

Emily had never met a better rival in sex before. A challenger that was as confident as she was, open and willing with an unbreakable will. With a want and a stamina that paralleled her own. There hadn't been a lack of lovers in Emily's life, and she had never slept with anyone with as large an age gap as there was between JJ and herself. Emily had never asked, never dared to, where the blonde had gotten so skilled. Every time she had taken JJ to bed she had had to fight for dominance, fight for control. Simply, JJ was a whore in the bedroom or wherever else they ended up fucking and Emily couldn't get enough of it. She supposed it was one of the reasons she was addicted to her. She had responded to no one quite like how she responded to Jennifer Jareau.

Finally, Emily felt JJ begin to weave her hands toward her back, and automatically she arched forward, giving the blonde the room she needed to unsnap her bra. The noise she had been trying to suppress escaped her lips, a throaty groan filling the air as the lace of the bra was removed, letting the much wanted skin on skin feeling. The sensations of JJ's mouth and hands on her breasts were always so much more potent without the barrier of clothing. After the bra joined her shirt somewhere by her feet, Emily reached up a hand to try and tangle in silky blonde hair, only to be reminded that JJ had tied her hair up for the travel. Instead, she gripped the ponytail, urging the younger woman closer still, like she wanted to be sucked into JJ altogether.

A rush of heat pooled in the pit of her stomach, feeling JJ work on her belt one handedly. The blonde deftly got it undone, and Emily felt herself buck and arch again as a slim hand slipped down the front of her pants. A loud moan was smothered by a devouring kiss, as Emily's world went dizzy and foggy as JJ's lithe body pressed against her own again, giving her that skin on skin feeling as nimble fingers slid teasingly beneath her panties and a fingertip brushed into wet folds. Emily tried her damndest to turn into the touch, desperate to feel JJ inside of her, but to no avail. Alarmingly, the hand was removed, as was the mouth consuming her own. She could only watch, almost black eyes widened as she dragged in as much air as she could, as JJ looked directly at her as she sucked that fingertip. There was a devilish smirk on her lips, playful and seductive, and it sent another hit right to Emily's core.

''JJ you're driving me crazy, please…I need to get off.''

Emily knew she had practically begged, but she was hot and ready and she needed release. If JJ wanted to play with her, she could do it after. Right now, she needed to be fucked, she needed to let go of everything in one big fell swoop. She had no real idea where she found the ability to speak, and was actually surprised she managed to be so coherent about her need. Either way, she was relieved that JJ seemed to understand the urgency in her hushed, panting tone. She accepted the fleeting, unusually soft kiss that JJ leant in for, as her pants were undone easily. Before she knew it, JJ sank down as she pulled her pants and panties with her, still not being able to resist teasingly slightly as her fingernails scratched lightly down the outsides of her legs, making her shudder and squirm.

After stepping out of her shoes and clothes, after JJ has tossed them on the pile, Emily squirmed even more as the other woman kissed her way back up her body until she finally reached her mouth again. The fleeting soft kiss from before vanished, as they fell into a fierce and demanding one now. Emily kept her grip on JJ's hair, as the other one sprawled on the small of her back, scratching sometimes to make the blonde moan lightly and tremble into her. The tables were still on JJ's side though, as she dipped her hand down to scrape inside of her thigh, making her jolt and moan again. A moan that was gratefully still muffled by JJ's mouth on her, otherwise anyone nearby would without a doubt know what was happening in here. As Emily tried to arch into the touch again, she found that it was to no avail as JJ urged her to move. Having given herself over to JJ and her intentions long ago, Emily complied and let the blonde turn them around. After, JJ pushed her backward, and almost instantly her ass backed up against the cool metal of the sink, making her grunt slightly in surprise as she tried to recoil. She didn't get far however, because JJ was right in front of her, urging her upward. Getting the idea, Emily ignored the cold and slid up to sit on the sink, breathing heavily as mouths were dragged apart as they went about getting into a settled position. Her hands gripped the steel corners beneath her, and hooded eyes watched as JJ placed her hands on her knees and gently pried them apart. Emily willingly opened up to her, feeling the throbbing inside pump faster and harder with anticipation as the younger woman stepped between her legs. Instinctually, Emily wrapped her legs around her, pulling her closer as the heated and brutal kissing started once again, warm hands cupping each side of her face.

Emily had no idea how much time passed, couldn't tell anyone anything for sure other than that she was high up in the air, naked in one of the cabin stalls with the woman she loved who was currently doing things to her that would make a lot of people blush. That one of those skilled hands that had brought her to stupendous heights before, was sliding its way down her body until it slipped in between her legs, exactly where she wanted it to go. And as deft fingers slipped inside, JJ had to use her free hand and her body to stop her from squirming off of the sink. Her own fingers dug into the steel beneath her, a contrast to the softness she was wrapped around tightly. Everything hazed over, obliterating everything as Emily let herself be engulfed by feeling, heat and sensation. She ceased to function on a higher level, couldn't even get her brain to continue kissing, and instead dropped her head back as that familiar, all powerful ecstasy filled her veins and raced through her. By now, lost in the throes of passions as fingers moved inside of her and a knowing thumb worked over her clit, raking and pulling, circling and applying the exact right amount of pressure. She was aware that JJ used her body to make a rocking motion, and felt her hot, ragged breath by the crook of her neck where teeth nipped and teased randomly. She was aware, only on a euphoric level, that she began to pulsate around those fingers, her shaft contracting, until JJ knew it was time to give her that final release that she needed. Although now it was only projected through heavy panting and guttural moans and occasional mutterings. As fingers curled inside, and that thumb went in for the kill, Emily finally came hard, making her breathe stall as her body went rigid and she saw stars and fireworks.

Before any of her senses even thought about coming back to her, Emily was pulled forward as fingers were extracted, and her quivering self was enveloped into a tight yet secure and soft embrace. Her head flopped to rest on JJ's shoulder, her limbs not yet working enough to return the embrace. But somewhere in her cloudy mind, she knew that Jennifer was hugging her because she needed it. Needed that human contact, that closeness by someone close, that friendship. But the whirring of her mind didn't give her the ability to read into it, only enjoy the moment, and be thankful that JJ was here and willing to do whatever it took to give her what she needed. And of course she was right; joining the mile high club was certainly fun. After the urgent, almost frantic initial need was met and she had been made to cum, JJ took a practically evil pleasure in perusing her torturous and mischievous games.

By the time Emily had made it back to her seat, a good five or ten minutes after JJ had left her to gather herself up, she had forgotten not only her name but what damn planet she was on another three times after succumbing to Jennifer's able mouth and probing fingers.

It was only a half hour after sitting down again, well and truly sated and spent and noticing that JJ was still looking rather smug with herself, that Emily allowed herself to think about what was going to happen up on that mountain. And allow herself to have courage enough to decide that one way or another, their relationship would be entirely different when they came down from the cabin. Though, another half hour after that, she happily slipped into sleep. Emily just presumed that the feeling of fingers stroking through her hair comfortingly and gently was only in her dream.

Waking up had felt almost like a dream too. Nothing had haunted her dreams, there had simply been rest. A deep state of slumber that she all too often had trouble reaching. And Emily knew that she had never slept like that on a plane before. She had a sneaking suspicion that it was perhaps a combination of stress of the job, the bombardment of anxiety about France, her activities with JJ in the bathroom and the fact that she was pretty sure that she had been asleep in the blonde's arms for the rest of the flight. Because upon waking up, it was to the smooth, silky and gentle voice of her lover. And as she had begun to stir, Emily realised that she was balled up over two seats, head and shoulders nuzzled comfortable into JJ's lap. She was warm and she was comfortable and it felt like she didn't want to leave. The hand running up and down her shoulder and arm felt right, the fingers of the other hand stroking through her hair felt right. But it was time to move.

''Em, baby wake up. We're landing. We're here.''


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

There had not been much discussion, only the hum drum feeling of being in a dream world where you were spurred along. There was that feeling there again for Emily, of not having much clue as to how she got from one place to another. Felt as though she were just being carried along by a flat escalator belt, letting everything pass by in blurred, distant colours.

It had been JJ that had negotiated them through the bustle of the airport after they had landed. Taking a quiet charge and leading them through throngs of people to the luggage pick up. Emily wasn't exactly sure what had been spoken, nothing too important other than tired observations and questions. This was JJ's first time in France, and Emily knew how the blonde usually liked to know the details of such things as when and where they were picking the car she had booked up, how long it would take them to get to and up the mountain and so forth. Emily had answered every question, still adjusting to the feeling of being back here.

Of course, she had been back to France after her Grandfather had died. She had even been here, had even been back to the town that lay at the foot of his mountain. Never had she been back up there though. Never back to his cabin. The cabin that he had left for her, along with a rather sizable trust fund and some other family air looms. But Emily had never cared about the money, and had very little use for the other things apart from sentimental value, or just a simple obligation to keep a couple of things because they had been entrusted to her. The cabin though, that was different. That cabin was like a physical part of him, of herself even. A corporeal remnant of so many things long passed.

Emily knew why she had never gone back. Knew why she paid a caretaker, a man she trusted with her physical memories, to keep the cabin tidy and looked after. He had been a friend to her Grandpa, and she remembered him from being a young girl. He was in his fifties now, with his own family. He did what she couldn't do, because she knew that the day she went back to that cabin she would really be saying goodbye. She would have to sort through her Grandpa's things, remove them from the place that he loved. And the stinging memory of seeing him removed from there was painful enough already. She didn't know if she had any room to spare for this too. But it was something she had to face. She could not hold it off forever, couldn't remain in this limbo of having it in the back of her head whilst she lived a completely different life. As she let evil touch her soul and her mind sink into depravity. As she fucked those feelings away, all the while hiding her love. As she shied away from anything out of her comfort zone. This had to be done, it was only the offer made by an interested couple that had made her realise that she needed to do it. Her Grandfather had died in her sophomore year of college, it had been long enough.

It had been the drive, over an hour, from the airport to the town that had calmed her down some. She had rented an SUV, and had switched on the radio to an easy listening channel, keeping it on low as she drove through the countryside. As she navigated through the terrain, almost numbly, she did notice how quiet JJ had become. Taking to staring out of the window, absorbing all of the sprawling country and mountainside around her. Whenever she caught those amazing blue eyes of hers, she could see a deep thought in there, along with rapture and some other things she couldn't put her finger on. Emily wondered what JJ thought about sometimes. When there would be a far off look across her beautiful face, when clearly she had withdrawn from everyone and everything around her, completely inside of her own thoughts. She loved watching JJ in those moments, loved trying to figure out what exactly went on in that head of hers. She never did though. Probably never would.

''What're you thinking about?''

Emily blinked, surprised that she heard her own voice, however low and gentle it had come out. She hadn't expected to ask. But then, that was getting to be quite the habit lately. Voicing whatever it was on her mind, asking personal questions that was better left to people who were really together and not just using sex as a therapeutic tool. If you could call it a therapeutic tool. Maybe that only applied to couples too. Maybe fucking it all away was perfectly understandable and reasonable as long as you could claim you were together. Unless there was that, was it something else? Something a bit more dark, a little more sinister? Is this what they did too? Or did they have something as substitute? The people they went after. They used people, as though they were things. Even their killing could be for that reason. To remove a feeling, to take something away and get rid of it. Like she got rid of their ghosts inside of JJ. What did that make her?

''Home. The place where I grew up.''

Emily blinked, her spiraling and what she considered dangerous thoughts stopping abruptly as JJ's voice reached her ears. The blonde's words were quiet, slow and laced with thought and even hesitancy. It struck Emily then, that she didn't know much about where JJ came from. She didn't know because JJ didn't talk about it all that much. Emily knew she was a small town girl, had been a school and college athlete for her scholarship, and that was pretty much it. She suddenly wondered about her family. Who they were, what they did. If she had any siblings, any nieces or nephews. She wondered what they thought of their Jennifer, wondered if they loved her, if they were proud of her. If JJ had received everything that she never had from her own parents.

''It's funny what you take for granted, isn't it? We get so lost in our job that we forget about the rest of the world sometimes. Take for granted that the people you love know that you do love them. But when you see something like this, all the beauty the world still has to offer, you realise that you've just assumed people will know how you feel. Know you miss them. Know that you love them. Deeply.''

Emily frowned slightly, feeling JJ's words resonate right through her body. She found it rather ironic that the blonde had managed to just sum up perfectly how she had been feeling. JJ had managed to tap into something, but didn't know how true it was for her. Emily found herself torn again, especially as she saw JJ gazing at her speculatively. The look made her shift in her seat, made her nervous. Because the way JJ was looking at her made her feel too exposed. She worried again if her younger companion had worked her out, figured out her secret. Yet her heart throbbed for another reason. For the vulnerability and honesty in Jennifer's voice. For her own exposure, something JJ didn't let happen all too often. Emily was quite aware that she was letting her see something, showing her something. For whatever reason, whatever had gotten JJ to thinking about her home, how they were all consumed by their jobs, Emily would have to work out. Maybe it was just the simple explanation of what they were surrounded by. As far as the eye could see there was a beauty that could awe people into silence, provoke surprising emotions because it was truly breath taking. Even she felt it. Setting all her nerves and fears aside, she felt the power of it too. And Emily was glad that she was here to witness JJ seeing it for the first time, it was a privilege. She was with someone who wouldn't let it go unnoticed, didn't mind showing her how blown away she was. It was refreshing and special.

''You don't talk much about your family.''

Emily observed, chancing a quick look toward the blonde that was still looking at her. Momentarily, the scenery around them disappeared, cowering in the presence of greater beauty. From the moment she had set eyes on her, Emily had thought JJ was stunning. But she had also known that she would be dangerous to her. There had been one tiny subconscious voice telling her that, that she had ignored until their first night together. Telling her that she would be playing with fire if she dared to start anything with the unit liaison. Because Emily knew that somewhere inside of herself, she had always known that letting way to JJ she would be allowing her to steal her heart. And she had. There was something about her that had drawn her in, like a moth to a flame. Like no one else had. Emily had been defenseless.

''No, I don't.''

Emily glanced once more toward JJ, knowing that the subject was not to be explored. The finality in JJ's voice told her that, but the withdrawing look in her eyes nailed the point in, before she turned to stare out of the window again. Emily guessed she knew what it was like, family trouble. It wasn't as though she went around talking about hers so much. In fact, she usually tried her damndest to keep who her family was quiet. Though it never seemed to work too well. Someone always knew. Someone always found out. But she had to admit to herself that she wanted to know why JJ never talked about hers. She wanted to know everything, the good and the bad. But it was doubtful she would. JJ didn't say anything to anyone, just because she was the one screwing her didn't give her an all access pass. Emily knew that before she had even gotten into the unit, JJ had learnt how to keep others from being able to profile her to a minimum. With that thought, Emily went back to listening to the radio and concentrating on the road.

Emily had soon found herself in another whirlwind. Getting into town and getting the supplies they would need had pretty much taken over her thoughts. Though as she went about getting them prepared, she found herself grateful for the opportunity to step out of herself for a little while. In that, she was here, doing something different. Being someone different. She got to stretch her linguistic muscles, got to adopt another persona. No one here knew who she was. They didn't know of her family stance, didn't know what she did for a living. Here she was just a woman collecting supplies to head up the mountain with. They seemed to appreciate her skill at their language, and appreciated even more so that she knew what she was doing. Knew what to expect up there, and that she actually owned property there too. She wasn't some tourist who thought it would be a good idea to head up a mountain they knew nothing about and wasn't prepared for. Emily knew that she could be seen as mysterious, but being mysterious to these townspeople felt different. It felt refreshing somehow, and she liked it. She liked the wondering stares toward her, and toward JJ. Liked seeing them try to figure them out. Were they family? Were they friends? Were they lovers? It was a bittersweet moment in which Emily smiled in amusement, knowing that they wouldn't get to the bottom of it because she couldn't. They were nothing and everything.

What had surprised Emily though, was that JJ seemed to have a very basic understanding of French. She had all the useable and usually needed phrases down, and her skill with them was admirable. Obviously she wasn't great at it, a practicing armature at best, but she was trying. Emily had enjoyed taking a few moments to watch the younger woman concentrate on sounding out, talking to some encouraging shop keepers and the like. It was sweet. But she had blushed when caught, which Emily found even cuter. And JJ had simply said that you couldn't be Penelope Garcia's best friend and not get away without learning a little something! At that, Emily had actually laughed. She had no problem accepting that explanation, because Garcia was just Garcia. What she had really delighted in though, was the seeming fascination that JJ had when she was talking to people, explaining what they needed and answering questions and so forth. She hadn't let on that she had noticed JJ watching her, instead just reveling in the thrill of her undivided attention.

The thrill faltered though, as they persisted on. As Emily wove the car up the mountain toward the cabin, still familiar with the ins and outs of the track even after so many years. Some nights she had woken from dreaming of this track, had been travelling up there surrounded by nothingness, only the road ahead to be seen. She never made it though. Never got to the cabin. On those nights she would wake startled, shivering and cold. Those dreams were hard to shrug off, prayed on her mind for days. She supposed her mind was trying to tell her something. Reminding her that she had unfinished business. Either up there in that cabin or generally, given that the most common time those dreams tended to strike was when she was feeling directionless. She even wondered sometimes if her Grandfather was trying to tell her something. But those kinds of thoughts didn't hold a place in her mind. Never really withstood her scrutiny. She was not a woman of any kind of book, any particular superstition or other worldly belief. She had been raised as a Protestant, but only in the loosest sense of the term. But she could never get to grips with religion, although it greatly fascinated her. Emily knew she was more of a believer simply in nature. Of the energy the world created and sustained, that people added and detracted to. She believed in the interconnectedness of everything and everyone. Believed everything is made up of the same matter, so everyone affected the other and person by person the world changed. It was a very Wilber way to look at life, she knew. But she thought it made sense. And it gave her some small reason of why she wanted to get inside of people's heads. Even the bad ones. That drive may have been spurred by some strange connection that all people shared. But that scared her too, because that answered just a few too many questions in her head. About evil, about the people that did evil. About what they were to her, and what she was to them. Kindred.

Shaking off those thoughts, Emily pulled up outside of the place she had been avoiding for a better half of her life. It looked exactly the same. She could have been a child again, happily running around the stretch of garden in front of the cabin, happy to be roaming free. Visions of her Grandpa tending to his gardens, to teaching her how to grow things, slammed into her like she had been hit by a truck. All the things he had taught her, about treating things right, treating people right, those words echoed in her mind loudly, making her grip onto the steering wheel of the car until her knuckles were white. Even the building looked the same. Rustic and authentic, aged but solid. Once it had been a small farmhouse, and still held those strong characteristics. Low set and tucked into the lands side, shielded from the brunt of the wind that could pick up around here, as well as the snow. From the outside, it could look to some as a little shabby. Her Grandpa had never made many adjustments to the farmhouse to make it into a cabin. Emily didn't think it was either, it just was. She had always found it charming, but had found that people were either on her wavelength or just didn't like it. But Emily supposed she knew what it was like on the inside. And she had been a child when he had bought this place, so she had grown up with it there. But after so long apart, she still found it as charming as ever.

''Emily?''

Emily blinked hard, breaking away from staring at her past as she turned to stare, almost numbly, at JJ instead. She found herself relieved, comforted even, by the supporting and gentle expression in JJ's eyes, even if they didn't quite understand what kind of emotional uproar this was all causing. But that was the beauty of JJ's nature, she didn't need to know and understand every detail to be there for someone. She just was. And it dawned on Emily that she had completely ignored her Grandfather's teachings over this past 4 months. She wasn't treating JJ right. She was her friend, and she was supposed to love her. Letting this continue wasn't being her friend, it wasn't loving her. Hiding things from her wasn't being a friend either. She feared what would happen, but Emily knew that it was time to get to the bottom of what this was. Of what JJ felt or didn't feel for her. She needed definition. She needed to know her role, needed to know who she was to the younger woman.

''There's a man outside.''

Emily frowned, looking at JJ like she had lost her mind. Only to realise that her blue eyes were now staring past her, out of the side window. Turning, Emily smiled faintly at the old, gruff but kind looking man hovering next to a pickup truck, with a much younger man standing next to him finishing off a cigarette.

''Oh, that's Yves, he looks after the place. He knew my Grandfather. I think that's his Grandson Theodore.''

Getting out of the car, Emily made her way over to the two men and welcomed Yves' embrace. They kept in contact, but their meetings were far and few between. When Emily mustered up the courage to step foot into the town he lived just outside of. She was fond of the old man; he had been kind to her when she was young, even as her parents had dismissed him or bossed him around like a servant. Something her Grandfather often scorned them for. He had helped her find a quiet little hiding place, somewhere she could run to when she was upset, or when her imagination was flying away with her and turned it into a secret castle or shelter. He had known about it, as her Grandpa had, but her parents had never been wise to it. She had played with his son sometimes, who had been just a little older than herself. He had died some years ago however, much to her sadness. Leaving Yves to raise Theodore. She had no doubt he would raise him as well as he had raised his son Anton though.

It had amused her, after catching up on Yves' well being and being introduced to Theodore properly, that the young man, perhaps in his early twenties, went a little shy as she had introduced JJ. Even though the blonde had no idea of much of what they were saying, given that neither man spoke much English, she still smiled pleasantly and shook their hands warmly. It made Emily smirk inwardly that Theodore could barely keep his eyes off of JJ, and even asked a few questions about her and her relationship status. JJ being none the wiser to his advances, or stares, either stayed close to her or looked out onto the breathtaking view before them. Emily had seen it happen before. When men, and even women, tried to get JJ's attention only to fall short of it. Not because JJ was rude, or un-attentive or arrogant, but because she was just oblivious. Because she didn't even consider it a possibility that they wanted her. Emily wondered if that was because JJ was too focused on what she was doing, didn't realise just how attractive she was or if it was because of her. Emily knew which explanation she would have liked it to be.

Yves brought her up to speed on everything; including some modifications they had made to some things like the water system and things like that. After thanking him and accepting an invitation to dinner before they left, she waved the two men off and turned to see that JJ was standing at the trunk of the car, holding a bag of theirs each. It was time to bite the bullet. Going inside was a lot different to standing outside. But she knew they couldn't stand out here forever, and she needed to take the first step.

Emily pushed the door open, but her feet still remained rooted to the spot. Dark eyes narrowed slightly, adjusting to the difference of the light inside the house until she could start to make things out. Everything was exactly the same. The furniture, the layout of it. All his books, his pictures, even the radio sat in the same familiar place. The woody, earthy scent wafted into her senses, bringing back a slew of memories. It smelt so strongly of him. A smell she associated with him, and was always comforted by. That was gone. This place was an empty shell now.

Emily took a hesitant step in, concentrating on moving her body forward and keeping her breath even. Her eyes didn't stop roaming though, lost in a world of memories as ghostly visions moved in front of her. Her Grandfather sitting in his rocking chair by the window, smoking his pipe. Her parents arguing in the middle of the living room. A young her sitting in front of the open fire, lost in imagination as her Grandpa read to her. The words, the laughter, it surrounded her. She had retreated here during one of her freshmen breaks from Yale, upset and emotional after a long and arduous fight with her Mother over her career ambitions and after having her first real heartbreak. She remembered being curled up on the old leather couch, rug covering her and looking ghastly. Her Grandfather has listened to the tale, asked her about what she wanted from her future and lended some insight to her Mother as he had handed her tea after tea, a couple of them with a little extra kick until they finally left the tea out and just sipped on whiskey.

''It's beautiful.''

Still frozen for a moment, Emily simply stared at the rocking chair, letting her eyes sting with the unshed tears that pooled there. Ignored the cold flush encircling her body, not bothering to swallow down the uncomfortable lump in her throat as her head throbbed painfully and her stomach clenched. All the thoughts, the fear and worry, it was too much. Not knowing who she was, where she stood, if she was too close to falling off the edge into the same darkness the unsubs fell, was too much. Her family, being here, it was too much. Having JJ here. All of it was weighing too heavily. She couldn't deal with having all of it at once, she wasn't strong enough.

''Yeah…erm…would you mind taking my Grandfather's room. I don't think…I…I can't stay in there.''

Trying to pull herself together, Emily wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, voicing her request weakly and cringing as she heard the crack in her voice. A crack that she knew that JJ would undoubtedly pick up. She was still facing away from the blonde; she wasn't ready to face her. Not like this. JJ had seen her in some vast and varying states before, but not like this. She had never presented her vulnerabilities quite like this before, had never really cried in front of the younger woman. Or anyone else on the team. She had come close, but something in her always tried its best not to let herself slip like that. Pulled out that ingrained 'stiff-upper-lip' teaching from her childhood. If you had to cry, absolutely had to, you did it alone. You did it in seclusion. No witnesses, ever.

''Sure Em, whatever you want.''

Emily nodded faintly, appreciating soft tone in JJ's voice. The one that told her that she knew something was wrong, that she knew this was hard, but she wasn't about to push her when she was like this. It made it easier for Emily, to bundle herself up and start moving again. Still not quite catching JJ's eyes though, as she walked past her. Through the end of the homely little living room and on into the small hallway boasting four doors.

''That's your room, bathroom, my room and the office. I guess we should put our stuff in so we can get everything out of the car. I thought it was a good idea, the best thing I mean…to erm…you don't mind separate rooms, do you?''

Catching herself as she began to ramble, Emily realised that she had yet to discuss the whole bedroom situation with JJ. She had no idea what the blonde would have been expecting when they got here, if they would have to sleep together or what. Neither of them had brought the subject up, until now. And as she looked over at JJ, Emily could have sworn she saw a flash of disappointment in those azure eyes, quickly smothered by a placating look accompanied by a faint and tight smile.

''No, it's okay.''

Emily nodded quickly, immediately dropping her eyes as she felt the tidal wave of emotion push at her, reminding her that it wasn't going to go away. That heavy weight was smothering now, making it hard to think and hard to breathe. She picked up her bag, and strode away from one of the things adding to this weight. Walking into the room she used to stay in whenever she was here. It all looked the same too. The old wood still looked and smelt the same, all the same grooves and dents, little scratches and nicks. It was like she had just walked into a time capsule. But it didn't matter. It wasn't the same. All that lived here were ghosts. Even she wasn't the same girl that used to come here. She was someone completely different, unrecognizable almost. He wouldn't be able to tell it was her. Sure, she had the same name, and she had the same blood. Those things bound them together tighter than rope. But her, he wouldn't have. She looked the same, though she had these extra years with her now. But she wasn't the same. She'd be a stranger to him now. And all she wanted was for him to be here, right now. Be here to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything would be okay. To let her cry and fall asleep protected by his arms, and his understanding and love of her. So she could become the Emily he had always known again.

''Emily…''

She hadn't noticed, after she had sunk onto the bottom of the bed, that the tidal wave had unleashed itself. Emily wondered how long she had been sat here, frozen save the tears that slipped down her face now, unadulterated and powerful. She had no weapon against them. Couldn't pull out anything to help her stop them, to pick herself up, to be a Prentiss. Right now, she couldn't do anything. She was so tired. So very, very tired. And she even didn't have the energy to try and hide from JJ, who had at some point appeared in the doorway. And where Emily had expected a patronizingly sympathetic look from her, she didn't get one. JJ looked empathetic and compassionate, understanding and unafraid. Emily didn't expect that. She had spend so long avoiding truly falling apart in front of someone that she had forgotten that some people weren't scared by it, and understood that sometimes it's just what needed to happen.

''Sweetheart its okay, c'mere.''

Emily didn't object, couldn't object, as she watched JJ cross the room and take a seat next to her. Immediately she felt arms engulf her, pulling her close. Close enough so she could bury her face into the crook of JJ's shoulder, whilst one hand lay limply on her lap and the other gripped onto the side of the blonde's pull over, and sob. Not cry, but sob. Despite that JJ was one of the things weighing heavily on her right now, she clung to her. She had become her anchor. And even now, it didn't escape Emily's notice that it felt good. Felt right. But it was a desperate wish, one that subsided as her brain began to shut down in its thoughts. Everything turned into a haze, just one big mesh of complication. All she felt was the hand in her hair, the kisses on her head and the hot breath across her skin as reassuring words were mumbled quietly. She felt safe. For the first time ever, she felt safe to breakdown in front of someone that wasn't her Grandfather.

''It'll be okay, I promise. C'mon baby, just lie down, let it out. I'm here.''

Meekly, Emily let herself be coaxed to move up the bed, limbs tired and heavy. She didn't argue, or want to argue. Didn't want to push JJ away. She needed her. And although it may have been dangerous, she let herself lean on the blonde. Let herself lie down, not saying a word as JJ removed her shoes before grabbing a folded up rug sitting on a wooden chair nearby and climbing onto the bed. As soon as she got settled, half sitting half lying, Emily instinctually moved into her. Wrapping herself around her tightly, head tucked in beneath her chin, limbs tangling. The tears didn't stop, she knew they wouldn't until there were none left or she fell asleep. It didn't matter, because she had someone to hold onto. JJ was here for her, anchoring her. She didn't need to hold anything in.

Felt the fear of becoming undone fade away as the blanket was thrown over them. Again, one of JJ's hands wound up in her hair, the other rubbing patterns into her back aimlessly as random and fleeting kisses were pressed onto her head. It was the warm, safe and comfortable vibe that started to let her slip into slumber.

When she next opened her eyes, it was dark outside. It was almost pitch black, with tiny pinpricks of shining lights covering the sky. It was so different out here to the city. Emily always marveled at the night sky when she had chance, especially when she had chance somewhere that was far from a city.

Sitting up slowly, Emily blinked a few times, trying to shake off the heavy numbness she felt. The kind of sleepy numbness that followed the level of breaking down as she had, followed by a deep, deep sleep. As her senses began to come back to her, she realised that she felt a little better. Still tired, but generally better. Like she had managed to cry something out of herself, managed to vent it so there was less weight sitting on her now. She could breathe a little easier.

As her senses came back to her, Emily realised that there was a rather inviting smell wafting in the air. A smell that made her stomach grumble in protest of not having been fed lately. Suddenly realizing that she was actually starving, Emily began to gingerly move her limbs across the bed that she had woken up alone in. With the rug still covering her, but lacking the human pillow she fell asleep on. But that bitter sting from a few weeks ago didn't hit her this time. She somehow felt more secure this time. Knowing JJ was still here, and obviously responsible for such a delicious smell floating around. And Emily recognized that if it was so dark out, she must have been asleep for hours. It would have been childish to be upset with JJ for not lying there all that time having nothing to do.

As she stepped out of her room, padding down the small hallway and edging into the front living room, Emily almost gasped. Evidently, JJ had been busy whilst she had been asleep. The blonde had seemingly brought all the things in from the car and had either put it away or neatly out of the way of anything if she didn't know where it should go. Emily could hear the slight buzz of the big old generator outside, giving the two soft lamps the power they needed to shine. On a couple of tables and shelves, candles were lit to cast a warm and comfortable glow across the space, and the open fire was lit, crackling happily. There were even some fresh logs placed next to it, ready to be offered to the flames when the fire started to dwindle. Emily was gobsmacked. Again, she noticed how familiar this looked. How it was exactly the same when she had been here as a child or a young adult. But it felt different from before. When she had thought this place was empty and lifeless. It looked very much alive again. With warmth and presence. Emily could feel it, the vibes and energies floating along with the scent in the room.

Walking forward, her mood picked up by such a display of life and warmth, Emily made her way through to the kitchen. Stopping in the archway, a touch of a smile reached her lips as her eyes set upon the women responsible for all of this. JJ, wearing an apron, hair tied back and sleeves rolled up to her elbows, was concentrating on the goings on of the stove. There was a collection of clutter around her, obviously that she had used to prepare whatever it was she was making with. Some of it was still scattered on the counter tops, some she had already washed up and left to dry on the rack of the sink. Emily savored the view for a moment, crossing her arms and leaning against the archway.

''Did…did you do all of this for me?''

Emily ventured, her voice still having a sleepy tinge to it. But expressive dark eyes twinkled as they watch JJ turn her head and smirk that lop sided smirk she loved so much. Watched as her eyes spoke many things. Relief, concern, understanding…and hints of playfulness and energy too.

''You had enough going on. I wanted you to sleep. I was going to wake you up when this was ready though, you haven't eaten much today.''

Emily regarded JJ for a moment, locking her into an unabashed stare. Letting the thoughts move through her eyes. Thoughts of how grateful she was, how touched she was. Letting JJ see that she thanked her for being here for her, and that she was thankful for being given the opportunity to express and vent the way she had. And she let her hope shine through, backed up with the affection she felt for the younger woman. Leaving it up to JJ on how to interpret it. To her though, this felt like a vastly couple thing. It felt close and knowing, like a couple who had developed a shorthand together. But they didn't have that. They didn't have history or shorthand. But maybe here could be the start of it. And it seemed JJ didn't need shorthand to understand her. To know how to make her feel better. Emily just hoped that it was more than friendship that let her know that. Pushing herself off of the archway again, Emily began to move closer to JJ.

''Thank you, Jennifer. You should have woken me to help though, especially with the logs for the fire.''

Emily kept her tone gentle, still showing her gratitude. She watched as JJ just looked at her in amusement, letting an eyebrow quirk upward and that playful sparkle in her eyes flare up again. Emily shuddered slightly, like she always did when JJ got that look.

''I'm a country girl honey; I know how to work an axe! And you know what? I think this is done.''

After receiving a playful wink, Emily smirked as JJ started to move about the kitchen, grapping a dishcloth and a couple of deep set bowls. She had never seen JJ like this, but then, she had previously had no reason to. They were friends too, sure. But they had never cooked for each other. There had been take outs and meals, usually with other friends present. Never anything like this, and Emily thought how pleasurable it was to see her like this. To see that quirky and playful humor and way JJ had about her, yet still shining with mysteriousness and intuition. Still holding that elusive manner of hers.

''What is that?''

Emily wondered, glancing into the large pan that JJ took one last spoonful to taste from. Again, Emily found herself smirking as she watched her lover smile to herself smugly and nod definitively, as though she were inspecting something. Then, she took the dish clothe and grabbed the pans handles with it, stepping over to the bowls so she could pour out.

''Homemade chicken and vegetable soup. My Grandmother used to make it during the winter, or whenever one of us was feeling ill or down. I swear, it has magic powers. After you've eaten this, you somehow always feel refreshed again.''

Content in listening to JJ, and seeing the nostalgic smile cross her lips and her eyes cloud with memories, Emily remained quiet. Earlier JJ had cut her off about her family, but now she was giving her a glimpse of part of it. Of her Grandmother, who from the look of it seemed as important to JJ as her own Grandfather had been to her. And she had learnt something about JJ too. Her ability to cook, because if that soup tasted anything like it smelt Emily would try and convince her to go into 

business. And to her, JJ seemed very relaxed in her efforts. Like she was used to cooking, her movements confident and fluid. Same as they were when she pulled a tin out of the oven, revealing some golden, crusty bread that surprised Emily too. They definitely hadn't bought a loaf like that in town, which meant it was homemade too. It touched her that JJ had gone to so much trouble to make sure she felt better. She felt looked after.

''I'm sorry about earlier. In the car when I cut you off? I didn't mean to come across as rude. I'm just not used to talking about my family. I love them to pieces, but…they're country people. They're small town people. And I don't like anyone casting judgment on them because of it. They just don't understand a lot of things about what I do, is all.''

Emily nodded briefly, remaining silent for a moment as she registered what JJ meant. She knew that a lot of people from big cities, and a lot of professionals like themselves, could misconstrue small townspeople to be simple or stupid. So she could see why JJ could be apprehensive about it. But what she mostly knew to be true, was how protective the other woman was. How much she could hen the people that she loved. Like a bear with her cubs. Woe betide anyone that came near her friends or family with only ill intentions to offer. Emily knew for a fact that JJ would do anything to protect her own. She had seen it many times, done in a lot of different ways. But the most obvious being shooting a man cold dead to keep him from hurting Garcia, or anyone else in the BAU bullpen.

''I understand.''

She offered, knowing she didn't need to say anything else to let JJ know that she wasn't the type that would look down on her family. She smiled as JJ smiled, before she was handing a bowl full of soup and a plate of bread. She even chuckled as JJ flailed at her, getting her to move on into the living room where she took up residence on one side of the old leather couch in front of the fire. Legs curled up beneath her, Emily rested the plate on the couches arm, and started to tuck into the soup that had been made for her. And she honestly didn't think she had ever tasted soup like it. No wonder JJ had looked so smug, it was divine. And with each mouthful, Emily felt the flavor sinking into her, uplifting her spirits. It was thick and hearty, but not overpowering. With all the fresh vegetables mixed in and chicken that was perfectly tender. Emily suddenly found herself wishing she had been there to share in the experience of being given this by a magical Grandmother when she knew anyone needed it. But she was glad JJ had that kind of experience. Perhaps it was why she seemed to understand the pain coming here without her Grandfather caused her.

Her stomach was definitely pleased that it was being fed, and Emily found that eating the whole bowl and the bread was quick work for her. JJ had come to sit down a couple of minutes after her, having brought in a couple of glasses of wine. Emily had noticed that the blonde seemed pleased that she had eaten, and that she had liked what she had eaten. Or rather devoured! Emily had not hesitated on plying JJ with many compliments and also speculating that her Grandmother had definitely been magical. The soup really had made her feel refreshed and full, cozy even. Relaxed, for the first time in a long time. Even her troublesome questionings relented, gone now to a small buzz at the back of her mind that was easily shut out and ignored. It felt good, sitting here with JJ. As a lover or a friend, it didn't seem to matter right in this moment. As she was cuddled up and nursing her wine, looking into the fire after such a nice meal.

She was happy to tell JJ some stories about the times she had spent here, about her Grandpa and what he was like, what he meant to her. All the things he had taught her. She was happy to describe in detail who he was. She had even found a photo of the two of them, still sitting where it always had. She had retrieved it and handed it to JJ, who had stared at it for quite some time. Holding the frame delicately as a finger traced the image beneath the glass. Emily had continued to 

talk, felt comfortable to talk. JJ made it so easy. And had said that from what she had heard about him, she was exactly like her Grandfather. Emily found that went straight into her heart; found it a uniquely special thing to be said and to hear. It meant a lot to her. Gave her some hope that she was wrong before. That she was the Emily her Grandfather had known, and she hadn't strayed too far from what he had instilled in her. Or at least, could find her way back. Either way, she was glad that JJ could see something of him in her.

After she had started yawning, having eaten and after she had finished the glass of wine, Emily stopped talking. Content in the comfortable silence, until she noticed that JJ had started yawning too. She knew that this break in her worrying, in her emotional spiral, was only just that. A break. This was a chance to take a breath. Tomorrow would be hard. Tomorrow she had to go through her Grandfather's things, and she knew it would hurt like hell. Tomorrow, she would have to start broaching upon the conversation she knew needed to take place with JJ. It was going to be hard and draining, possibly for both of them. So, after she insisted that she take the pots back into the kitchen, Emily had declared that she was going to turn in for the night, and noticed that JJ was rather receptive to the idea of sleep too. It was going to be strange, knowing that JJ was sleeping along the hallway. The only positions they were put in like this was when they were working. When they were in some random hotel. This was entirely different, had a vastly different feeling to it. It made her blood stir with anticipation, wondering what was to become of them. But that would transpire later. Tomorrow onwards. Right now, it was sleep for the both of them.

''Goodnight JJ. And thank you again, I'm glad you came.''

Smiling tiredly, Emily began to move away from JJ toward her own room. Only to feel a slim hand slip around her arm and pull her back gently. Her heart quickened, responding to the intense intimacy that rose up between them. Her own eyes locked with blue ones. Her breath slipped away from her, reduced into shallow puffs as JJ's hand made its way from her arm up to her hair, slinking through it as she cupped the side of her face. There were no words, but Emily was sure JJ was trying to tell her something. She just didn't know what. Even when the blonde leaned in to kiss her softly, she didn't understand. Was this just trying to make her feel better? Was it JJ trying to get into her pants tonight? Or was it something entirely different?

''Goodnight Em.''

Emily was left even more confused as JJ let her go, giving her one last shy glance before she turned and went into her room, closing the door behind her. All she could do was stand in the hallway for a moment, blinking in soft shock at something she had not been expecting. Her fingers rose up to touch her lips, still tingling with the intimate but tender kiss. JJ had kissed her like that before, many times. But for some reason, this felt different. Knowing there was nothing she could do about it now; Emily made her way into her own room. She made quick work of getting ready for bed, and sighed almost happily as she got in. She was still tired, now in a pleasant way after eating and relaxing. And she refused to think too much about what would happen the next day. Just wanted to slip into a nice slumber and get some rest to have the strength she needed to do what she needed to do in the light of a new day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

She knew there was something different. Before she had even started to come around properly, somewhere in that limbo between sleep and wakefulness, Emily could tell that there was something different. That she wasn't alone. And it wasn't an entirely unpleasant feeling. Not at all.

In fact, she registered it as a good feeling. One directly opposite of the feeling she'd had those couple of weeks ago when she had woken up alone in her bed after JJ had slipped away. This time, she woke up to find that she wasn't alone in bed. That JJ had at some point come into her room and crawled into bed with her. Emily wondered for a moment why the blonde hadn't woken her up, wondered what had motivated her to come in here. But as her eyes cracked open, she could see that the younger woman was fast asleep, wrapped up in her arms. Their limbs tangled comfortably, like they fit together like that. She had her nightclothes on still, and so did JJ. They had just slept. It made her feel happy, content even. Just being held and wrapped up with JJ like this. She was comfortable. It was comfortable. Feeling the soft tug of sleep again, Emily just sighed, pulling JJ into her tighter and smirking as she responded. After a moment, she let herself slip back into sleep.

When she woke up again, Emily noticed that she was the first one to stir. Time just seemed to have created a bubble, slowing things down for her so that she could enjoy a little peace for a while. Before she had to burst the dream bubble, before she had to do the hard stuff. For all she knew, this might end up being a onetime thing. Perhaps JJ was trying to comfort her the only way she knew how, physically. It could have explained the kiss in the hallway. But not her attitude last night. Emily figured she was reading too much into it, but either way, she would find out later. Right now, she noticed her surprising bedmate begin to stir too. Emily watched, amusement filling her, as JJ lifted her head up. She looked so beautiful, with mussed up hair and a sleep expression. Those blue orbs of hers so light in the brand new day, slurred with sleep. So raw and unrefined. Emily tried not to think about that now though. She concentrated on the simple beauty, the simple good feelings of just waking up to someone you loved. And she smiled as JJ looked at her, the realization kicking in that they were in bed together. And as Emily was about to speak, she stopped. Stopped because JJ turned around before snuggling into her, giving her a gentle squeeze. Something neither of them needed words for. It didn't need to be analyzed or questioned. Emily could already tell what this was.

She hadn't mentioned anything as they had eventually gotten up. After just cuddling in bed, both awake, both lost in thought and touch. Emily hadn't dared to break that bubble until she had been absolutely forced to. It was mildly amusing that JJ had dropped shy, even blushing slightly, as she stammered out something about being cold or lonely or something like that. A pitiful excuse if ever Emily had heard one. But she didn't call her on it. She didn't care, to be honest. She just savored it, tucked it away in her mind where it would remain for a very long time. She had watched JJ scamper off to her room again, and she had set about getting ready for the day. She wondered where to start first. What to look at, what to go through. She knew she had to think about what this place was to her now, without her Grandpa there. Even though part of her throbbed painfully in protest of the idea of selling it. But would it be good for her to? Was it any different than letting it go neglected by her? All she did was pay someone to keep it like it was.

Emily couldn't help but notice that even though today was undoubtedly going to be difficult, she still felt that twinge of comfort that had engulfed her last night. She had speculated on it as she had finished the washing up left over from last night, as JJ had gone about making some coffee. They moved around each other with an ease that was better suited to couples, Emily thought. Especially as they conversed idly, soft spoken words with a carefree undercurrent. Like they got up like this every day. Emily wished they had. Wished they could have. She realised, in the moments of 

standing in the kitchen and listening to JJ, talk to her about the mountain and moments from her life or just sharing some tastes and dislikes, that she had been so stupid for letting this slip through her fingers for so long. Realised that she didn't need certain questions answered to be able to let JJ know that she loved her. Didn't need to be perfect, ordered and knowing of herself. All the crap she had in her head, she realised she could have had help with. Cold have talked over her worries about being too similar to the unsubs, her wonderings if they were any better for thinking like them because they had a badge. Ultimately she knew they were, knew JJ would alleviate her of that worry by pointing out so many other things that profiler and unsub didn't share. That they couldn't share, because they weren't the same. She realised that no matter what, family was always complicated for everyone. And despite what she had been through with her parents, feeling her Mother's disappointment and lack of real affection, hadn't stopped her from becoming a good woman. A nice woman. It wasn't like she had never been loved by someone else. Her Grandfather included. She deserved to be loved, and she had a lot to give. She just needed to figure out if JJ would let her.

After breakfast, Emily decided to look around in the office. It was a good a place as any to start. She found herself smiling sadly, looking over his things. Reading his curling handwriting, perfect and precise. She wished she could have inherited his penmanship, it was beautiful. Hers was more like a scrawl, as it was pointed out quite often to her by her teammates. Emily couldn't help but think about the graphology that she had learnt, about what his handwriting said about him. Of course, it was nothing she didn't already know. Intelligent, introspective, private but not closed off. He was focused when he took to a task, confident but not arrogant. Caring, gentle but also strong. It took Emily a while to realise she had started to speak her musings out loud, effectively giving JJ a rundown of her Grandfather's traits as she looked at his writing.

''Everything you just said I can see in you.''

Emily looked up toward JJ, still a little startled that she had been talking out loud, and a little embarrassed. But as she looked at the blonde, who was perched on a nearby windowsill, Emily could see that she was serious and not being teasing. Her gaze was intense, unyielding and it made Emily blush slightly.

''You think so?''

There was that feeling again. That relief that she was something of him. Because to her, he had been everything. Her mind couldn't have been so polluted if JJ could see him in her, could she? Was it her that had lost sight of herself? Just her? Thinking too much, worrying too much. After all, she was introspective too. And being a Prentiss made you automatically hard on yourself. She scrutinized everything she did, wanting it to be perfect. It was exhausting. But then, that was just how it was. She had learnt that from her parents, even though they scrutinized her enough without her doing it to herself too. It was an odd love/hate relationship that she had with them. She went out of her way to be different, to hide who she was in relation to them to as many as she could. She went out of her way to be her own person, and to stay away from their home. But she was still inexplicably drawn back to them. Couldn't stop herself from going to see them when they wanted her to, even though she knew she would leave feeling crappy about herself afterward. They were her family. Her kin. Her blood. Despite herself she loved them, because she was part of them. It held her foundations, bound her together. It was a large cross to bear, being a Prentiss, but she was one and she was proud of that.

''I know so. I wish I could have met him, but I already know how remarkable he was, because _you_ are.''

Emily blinked, the documents in her hands forgotten for the moment in the face of the thickening atmosphere around her. Around them. This time, there was no mistaking the look in JJ's eyes. The want. But not the want she had seen in her before, not that raw and animalistic desire that she had seen these past four months. This was something entirely different, softer yet ultimately stronger. It was the want for _her_. All of her. The same want she had for JJ, reflected back to her intently. There seemed to be no fear in the younger woman, only truth even though she had yet to say anything to make it real. It could still have been a look and nothing more. But the lump in Emily's throat, the goose bumps across her skin and her perception of the feeling in the room told her different. Told her that this time, she wasn't working on a liquid hope that would burn her later for being so silly. The realization hit her like a truck, made her breathing falter and her heart skip.

''I think it's time we talked, Emily. About us.''

Emily felt both the anticipation and excitement ball up into her stomach, combining with the anxiety and nerves. She could feel the butterflies flapping around in here, causing her to gulp slightly as she watched JJ push off the windowsill and take a couple of steps forward. But she frowned as she tripped over something, sending something clattering along the floor. Frowning, Emily stood up as JJ looked down, tucking her hair behind her ears so it wasn't in the way. As Emily saw the hole in the wood floor, her frown grew further, seeing that something was under there.

''What the hell?''

Having temporarily forgotten what was happening in the wake of discovering a hidey hole she had never known existed, Emily sunk to her knees as she stared at the hole in the floor. All the times that she had been in this office, never once had she spotted a flaw in the wood to indicate that part of it had been purposefully removed as to hide something underneath. Her Grandpa had certainly never said anything, and he had never kept secrets from her. The thought that he would seemed so alien, so painful. Betraying even. Keeping secrets is what her parents were best at, not him. He wasn't supposed to be like them. He was supposed to be different, how could he hide something from her? That along was bad enough, but Emily knew for him to hide something from her it must have been big. And that made her stomach churn, because she didn't have a good feeling about what that was. As JJ knelt beside her, Emily made herself reach forward and retrieve the box that sat beneath the floorboards. It was cool under her fingers, sending a chill down along her spine as she touched it. It was a wooden box, but had metal fittings running along it. And as she pulled it out, she noticed that there had once been a lock on the outside, but the lock was broken and unusable.

''What do you think it is?''

She peered at it speculatively as she set the box down, wondering exactly what JJ was. Taking in a slow breath, she glanced toward JJ for a moment, trying to gather up some resolve to open up the box.

''I have no idea. My Grandpa never kept anything from me. Or at least, I never thought he did.''

The sadness and hurt must have come through in her voice, because as soon as she said it she felt JJ's hand grip her own and give her a gentle squeeze in show of support. Emily let out a breath, squeezing back thankfully before letting go to open the box. She frowned, seeing a few old papers in there, but her eyes were drawn to a thicker paper lying on the bottom. Gingerly, she reached inside and pulled it out, getting the distinct feeling that she knew what that piece of paper was. It looked so familiar, and as she opened it she knew why. It was a certificate. Ones they gave out for births, 

deaths, marriages and such. It confused her even more, why would he hide something like this? It was just a certificate, everyone had one. But then it struck her that he wouldn't hide it unless he had something to hide. Or someone in her family had something to hide. And all of a sudden she needed to know. Burning curiosity got the better of her, causing her hands to shake ever so slightly as she unfolded the paper carefully, instantly recognizing the layout of a birth certificate. But it was slightly different, a little more complicated. And as her eyes scanned down the page and began to understand why, they filled with tears as something inside of her broke. It was incomprehensible. It didn't fit inside of her head, inside of her heart even. But it did. It hit her so hard that she actually felt herself shatter. Felt the metaphorical knife thrust into her stomach and gut her. She felt like poison, the blood coursing through her filled with anger, betrayal and hatred. It was unknown, completely devoid of substance or definition. Which meant _she _was devoid of it too. Everything that she thought she was had been ripped away from her, leaving her gutted and empty and cracked. Her foundations had just crumbled.

''Oh my god…how…how could they? How could _he_?''

She let the paper slip, overcome with so much emotion that it made her dizzy. Made her feel hot and sticky, made the air feel so thick that she couldn't breathe. This was wrong. This was all wrong. Everything started to move around her, taunting circles making her even dizzier. She wanted to take it back, wanted never to have found that box. Obviously it was true what they said, ignorance was bliss. Everything that she had held onto, even reluctantly held onto, she immediately wanted back. She had never realised how important it was to her. How important being part of her family was to her. Now to only find out that she wasn't. They weren't her family, they were strangers. They didn't share anything. All those traits and characteristics, they were lies. The blood inside of her was unknown. They weren't her blood kin. Everything had been a lie. She wasn't a Prentiss. Emily Prentiss no longer existed. Had never existed. All those years of building who she was, gone. She wasn't anything. All those years of all that love/hate feeling, only for her to end up still clinging onto her family for some definition and it was all a lie. There was just nothing. She wasn't related to any of them. She didn't know who she was related to. Who she was. What her name was.

''I can't…I can't breathe…''

Even through the state of disorientation, Emily managed to pull herself to her feet as she noticed JJ taking the certificate. She stumbled out of the office, head spinning and stomach churning painfully. She felt sick. Felt like hot bile had just risen up to fill the whole of her insides up. It was so difficult to comprehend, to actually accept, that she didn't belong. There was nowhere that she fit in. She was attached to no one. She only resembled her parents, her Grandparents. That must have been lucky for them, so they didn't have to explain to anyone. To her. The person they should have explained to. Maybe it would have been okay if she had always known. But now? After all this time, all she had been through with them? They had lied to her. Lied in such an unforgivable way. She wasn't theirs, she never had been. They had probably just adopted her for the sake of it, wanting to give off the family vibe to their important friends and colleagues. She was their scapegoat, taken for a frivolous reason. Devoid of any meaning at all. It was all worthless. Each and every memory she had was tainted, ruined, stolen even. Who the fuck was she now?

''Emily, wait…''

It was useless, because Emily ignored the desperate plea and kept right on staggering away. Yanking open the door and almost falling outside. The hot tears stung her eyes and blurred her vision, but she persisted. Stumbling across the ground, moving as quickly as she could away from that cabin. The cabin that all this time had housed her darkest secret. A secret she never even knew existed.

After all he taught her? After all those times they had talked about keeping things from people. How had he looked her in the eye? How had he called her his Granddaughter, his pride? She wasn't anything to him. It was made up, he had made her believe in an illusion and she hated him for it. His was the worst betrayal. Something like this she expected from her parents. Especially her Mother. But he was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be the one thing in her life that never faltered. She had never felt so lost. So hurt. The knife in her gut was deep, and he had put it there. They had put it there.

She stopped on a slope, looking out across the dip of the large valley beneath the mountain. It was so beautiful, but it didn't bring her any peace. There was a soft mist hanging just above the town, making it look almost mystical. That brought her no piece either. She was drowning on dry land and she had nothing to hold onto. As a sob escape her, her knees buckled slightly, enough to give her momentum to almost fall. She didn't. Not because she caught herself, but because JJ did.

''Whoa…I've got you, c'mere I've got you.''

Emily flinched under JJ's grip, resistant and defiant. Struggling to move away, not being able to handle being so close. She didn't want to bring JJ into too. She was too exposed, too vulnerable. Last night had been different. But now, JJ would look at her and see nothing. Emily couldn't stand the thought of it, couldn't let her near her to know that she was a stranger.

''No…don't. You don't know who I am. _I _don't even know who I am. I can't believe they kept this from me. He was…he was supposed to love me, how could he do this? He lied to me. He knew I was searching for answers and he _lied _to me. I'm not like him, I was never like him. I'm not even part of them. Just there for fucking showmanship no doubt. I don't actually serve a purpose, there's no value. I don't fit in, belong. Everything I've ever believed is worthless. All the definition I thought I had is gone. It was a joke. I hated being one of them, until now. Now all I want is to have it back. To fit in, to have some meaning. But I don't…I don't have anything to hold onto anymore…''

She was aware, through her spiraling and bitter rant, that every time she took a step back from JJ the blonde simply followed her. But Emily couldn't bring herself to look into her eyes, didn't want to see the look there. She was highly aware that she was working herself up, dangerously standing on the edge of a panic attack or something like it. The tightness in her chest was overwhelming, stabbing the pain right through the whole of her. Her world had literally been turned upside down, and she had no idea how to right it again. Until she was taken a hold of again, until she felt JJ's hands grip her shoulders firmly, and was forced to meet strong blue eyes as the blonde ducked her head down to make sure she locked their sights.

''You have me, Emily. I love you. I'm _in _love with you. I always have been.''

That's when everything stopped. Everything was suspended. The upheaval she was feeling, that panic rising up her body, chocking into her throat, it all just stopped. It didn't fade away, but the shock of hearing such genuine words made her stall. She loved her? Emily heard the words bounce around her head, and listened carefully, wanting to clarify what she thought she had heard.

''Wha…what? You love me?''

Frowning in confusion, Emily sniffled, body frozen having stopped its inching away from the blonde now. There was the thickest fog that there ever had been in her head right now, but that just cut straight through it. She thought about those words. If JJ was in love with her and always had been, how hadn't she noticed? Why hadn't there been signs? Why hadn't JJ said something? But then it occurred to Emily that she couldn't exactly cast any judgment. She hadn't told JJ her own feelings, had tried to keep signs to a minimum. But JJ hadn't. There _had _been signs. Subtle ones, but lately ones that had gotten stronger. Like the sudden use of pet names. Everything that JJ had done for her in the last day had been driven not out of friendship or obligation, but out of love. She had just been too overwhelmed to see it.

''I didn't…I didn't want to tell you like this. But you need to know right now that you _do _have something to hold onto, if you want it. And I do know you Emily. No matter where you come from, you will always still be you. You don't have to lose everything you've built, it doesn't change who you are inside. And it obviously didn't matter to your Grandfather; he was probably trying to protect you. He loved you so much. And so do I. I should have told you sooner, but I was afraid.''

Emily sniffled again, trying to absorb what was happening. She had had so much taken away from her, only to have something she had never been certain she would get given to her. The turnabout was quick and disorientating.

''Why?''

She stuttered, unable to make her mind cooperate too much and form actual adult sentences. It didn't really matter, JJ loved her. That's all that kept going through her mind. She knew she wouldn't end up caring why JJ had never said anything, why she had been afraid. But she still wanted to know. All she truly cared about what that it was actually happening. That sweet and slightly shy smile penetrated right through into her heart, and she could tell that the declaration was perfectly true. Like she had mused before, JJ just didn't say anything she didn't want to or didn't mean. But it was her eyes, the way they were looking directly at her, so adoring and loving. It was enough to blow her away.

''I thought you were just in it for the sex. I didn't think you wanted anything else from me. I tried to get you to see it, and I was about to tell you. I hoped coming up here would change something.''

Emily scoffed slightly, amused that everything she had assumed and thought JJ had been thinking too. That it was just sex, that hopefully this trip would make or break them. Groaning slightly, thinking of each and every time they had been together, she lifted up a hand to rub her forehead. How could they have been so stupid, so blind? How could she have been? It was ridiculous, and they had been trundling along wanting exactly the same thing and only giving one another something limited.

''I thought the same. I love you too, but I was too scared to jeopardize the precious little we had. Until I knew you were coming up here with me, I was going to tell you too. I can't believe we've let this go on for so long.''

The distraught of what she had been feeling a moment ago still curled around her stomach, around every inch of her, squeezing mercilessly. It hurt. She throbbed everywhere. And she longed for that pitiful numbness you fell into after the pain became too much, and seemed like it had subsided. But it never had. The numbness took over and lulled you into a fitful sleep, and when you woke again the pain was like a part of you. Deep rooted and obstinate, unafraid to make you feel it. Emily just wanted that numbness; she just wanted to have a little relief for just a little bit. Nothing was going to take that pain away though. She had been devastated, gutted. By the people that were supposed to be her family. By even her Grandfather. Maybe JJ was right. Maybe he had been trying to protect her. But he could have found a way to tell her. Even if he had told her and never told her parents she knew, she could have dealt with that. It would have been better than this. After thirty six years of believing she was a Prentiss in blood and not only name. But at least she had something to hold onto. Or at least, someone. The woman she longed for, craved to be loved by, did love her. It brought to her some of the relief she desperately needed. Gave her her footing back, made her upside down world shift into place again. That was JJ's power; it's what she had given her. And Emily knew JJ had set aside her fear to give her all of that back. To stop her from spiraling out of control.

''Yeah, and we're FBI Agent's _how_ again?! Are you okay?''

Taking in a tight breath, Emily shuddered as she thought about the question posed. She looked down at the uneven ground beneath her feet for a moment, frowning in thought. Biting her bottom lip, the facts of what just happened whizzed past her brain. She was adopted. The vast implication of what that meant sat on her heavily. She wondered who she looked like, who she sounded like. She wondered if she carried her real parents' traits, wondered if they were good people. Did they like music? Were they still together? Was she some teenage mistake? Did they have other kids now? Did she have siblings out there? There was so much to consider, so much to discover. And there was her own family. She didn't think she could even look at her parents right now. Especially her Mother. Ambassador Prentiss in all her glory. A woman that she had always wanted affection from, had always wanted love and approval from. And there had been bits and pieces of them, through the years. But Emily just could never tell whether her Mother…whether Elizabeth…had ever really loved her. Now she supposed she understood why. She wasn't hers, why should she love her?

''No. No, I'm really not.''

Suddenly all those questions that had haunted her for all these years niggled at her. She was definitely lacking any answers. But it didn't scare her as much right now, knowing that she didn't have to face them alone. What she did know, was that when she was ready, she would confront her Mother. She would demand to know why neither her or her Father told her this before. Why it was such a secret. After all, it wasn't as though adoption was some sort of taboo. Why had they left her for thirty six years? Would they have ever told her? And she knew, again when she was ready, she would want to find out who and where she came from. The thought of that seemed so alien now though, made her shudder as chills went down her spine and her stomach twist. Maybe that would take a little longer. But eventually, inevitably, Emily knew curiosity would get the better of her. But right now, she had to let all of this sink in. Had to let it wash over her because right now she was still in a stunned state of shock.

As she looked up again, she let JJ see how lost she felt. Let all of it surface in her eyes; let her see how badly she needed her. Taking in a shaky breath, she leaned into the touch as JJ moved a hand to the side of her face, thumb stroking along her skin delicately. She didn't expect the kiss, but as soon as Jennifer's lips reached hers she knew she needed it. JJ seemingly knew that she needed it. And it conveyed everything. The love, the lack of fear, the truth that JJ wouldn't let her fall. It spoke of future and promise, and gave her images of everything she had ever wanted. It told her that JJ did know who she was, even if she didn't. And Emily clung to that. It gave her comfort knowing that someone knew her at least, and JJ could keep that safe. Could keep her safe.

''Let's go inside and get you warmed up baby, you're shaking. Whatever happens, I'll be here to face it with you, I promise.''

Emily nodded, too exhausted to do much of anything else. This had not been what she had been expecting. Hadn't expected to have something so fundamental taken away, or something so precious given to her. Knowing that JJ was there made her know somewhere deep inside that no matter what, she would cope somehow. Even now, she could see the light of day. But it was a pain that she knew what stick with her for the rest of her life. The betrayal didn't wash away so easily, not after so much time. She doubted she would forgive her parents, wasn't sure if she could find peace with her Grandfather. But she would have to see. Nothing that lay ahead of her was anything like she had experienced before. Who knew what would happen? Everything in her life was different, but something's were better because of it. Like Jennifer.

**Epilogue **

She had decided not to sell the cabin. She had decided to keep it, and visit it more often. To confront her Grandfather's remnants, confront the pain and confusion over why he had lied to her. But even though he had, Emily knew she just couldn't give up something that was so a part of him. JJ was right, he had loved her and she had loved him. Nothing could take that away from her. Those memories were too precious to bitterly put aside. Those teachings had built her, things she carried with her now that were her strengths and qualities. She couldn't sacrifice those things because she knew now that they never shared that blood connection. Family wasn't always blood. She knew that after joining the BAU, after meeting Jennifer.

After she had slept away some of the pain, and had started to get her bearing back again, Emily had initiated long talks with the blonde. No longer her secret lover, there only in shadows and mixed in with frustration and angst. They were that couple now, that could justify their actions because they were together. They were in love, they were trusting and understanding. Emily talked for hours, and she listened to JJ talk for hours. For the first time they didn't just fuck, and she had what she had been craving. To have JJ looking into her, rather than looking for the responses she provoked. But Emily soon realised that there had already been times of that, when JJ had obviously let her guard down. But she had been so blind. But not anymore. She refused to let anything like that happen again, no misunderstandings. She took every chance to show JJ that, took every chance to do what they hadn't had the opportunity to before now, through fear of giving themselves away. And it was glorious to her.

And she had been right. By the time they came off that mountain and stepped onto that airplane, hand in hand, to take them back to America, they had been through that make or break trial by fire. And they had been made.

**The End**.


End file.
